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RETURN TO WALT Di 3TUDIO
GAG I
THE
PUNSTER'S POCKET-BOOK,
ENLARGED.
BY
BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ.
AUTHOR OF THE EVGLISH SPY, ETC. ETC. ETC.
Give me the man, when all is done, That wisely cracks a jest or pun."
Martini.
ILLUSTRATED WITH
JBumrroujj SDrtginat JDegiffnjS BY ROBERT CRUIKSHANK.
LONDON :
PUBLISHED BY SHERWOOD, GILBERT, AND PIPER, . PATERNOSTER-ROW.
-1826.
, .Hi
LONDON:
VRINTF.D BY THOMAS DAVISOJf, WHITF.FR I ARS.
BRLF URL
TO
?i?i?> ^tlo^t Gracious KING GEORGE THE FOURTH,
THE ARBITER ELEGANTIARUM, THE PATRON,
THE LOVER, AND THE JUDGE OF WIT,
THIS LITTLE VOLUME IS DEDICATED,
WITH THE MOST FERVENT LOYALTY,
THE MOST SINCERE ADMIRATION,
AND THE MOST PROFOUND RESPECT,
BY HIS DEVOTED SERVANT,
AND FAITHFUL SUBJECT,
WORD
THE WITTY AND THE WISE.
Wit led the way — with sportive jest, Next, Humour, most fantastic drest ; The Graces, eldest of the Nine, Followed — collecting from each shrine, Where Genius shed a ray of light, Which might improve, instruct, delight.
MESSIEURS THE PUNSTERS,
I MAY with great propriety contend, that under
such merry designation, I am addressing a very
large portion of the British public. If, beneath
your patronage, this little work should prove as
Vlll
Lancaster, surrounded by the rival roses. The Scriptures opened are appropriate to the Tudor family ; and their na- tional emblem, the thistle, is considered most emblematical of the Stuart race. A lion, with the cap of liberty, denotes the benefits England has derived from their successors, the Prince of Orange ; and the unicorn chained to the scroll is indicative of Hanover attached to the sovereignty of Great Britain. The imperial crown of Charlemagne, which sur- mounts Brunswick, is nearly obscured and lost behind the crown and sceptre of a British sovereign, George the Fourth,
WHOM GOD PRESERVE.
..irc^sL-
PROLEGOMENA ON PUNNING.
RESPECTFULLY ADDRESSED
TO PUNSTERS IN GENERAL.
LITERARY FIREWORKS.
What are Puns, and Jests, and Quirks ? But Literary Fireworks.
Here are squibs for dull November ; Crackers, too, for gay December ; Rockets, charged with wit and fun ; Wild-Jires made to touch and run j Blue-lights from the Em'rald Isle ; British-balls, to chase the bile; Jioman fires, an&jeux d'esprits; From Vatican, and Thuilleries ; And here's BLACKMANTLE — punning elf- To personate GUY VAUX himself.
IT will doubtless be the opinion of many a reader that a Prefatory Essay on such a subject as Punning can possess little of interest, and nothing of novelty. I would, however, request any one entertaining this idea to suspend his judgment till he has given the matter ampler consideration.
I
2 PROLEGOMENA
In addressing these preliminary remarks to pun- sters in general, I think I have taken effectual means to render them of universal interest. When a cer- tain author, who had dedicated one of his volumes " to those who think" was charged with want of judgment in catering for such a limited number of individuals, he justified his discernment by observ- ing, that, however little numerous the body of think- ing people might be, every reader would at least rank himself in that class. Our question can stand on much broader ground ; for we assert, without fear of contradiction, that of the many judicious persons who, without doubt, will peruse and patronise these pages, not one will be found who is not only, seju- dice, a punster, but who has not, probably " many a time and oft," exhibited among his boon com- panions whatever portion of talent he may possess in that line of wit. It has been asked by a well- known writer, " Did any man of liberal education ever go through his teens without perpetrating the crime of making verses ?" I am contented to wave the narrow distinction, by which uneducated per- sons would be excepted, and, with respect to the nobler and far more generally diffused art of pun- ning, would inquire, Does any one, whatever be his rank or attainments, reach his twentieth year, with-
ON PUNNING.
out (we will not speak so inaccurately as to say, perpetrating the crime, but) contributing one or more puns to the common stock ? Certainly not. What the ancients rather hyperbolically asserted of writing (for the many, who were uninstructed in the mechanical part of that art, could not by possi- bility have exercised ii),Scribimus indocti doctique, is literally true as applied to punning : lettered and unlettered, all alike pun away. From the humble son of Crispin, who, having nothing but one of his sutorial weapons at hand wherewith to despatch his cotelette de bceitf, remarked that his all was at stake, to the gifted Sheridan, who discovered that Doc- tors' Commons was the greatest thoroughfare in England, in virtue of the old adage, " where there is a WILL, there is a WAY," each man sports his calembourg.
Still, as it frequently happens that what is most generally practised, is far from being best under- stood, so is it with punning. It has been too much the case to treat it with levity and inconsiderateness ; to regard it as mere trifling ; to view it at best as a feeble missile from the armoury of wit, only adapted for the " puny (query punny ?) whipster," and which those who are qualified to wield more va-
PROLEGOMENA
luable weapons would scarcely deign to employ. I trust that, in the course of these introductory ob- servations, I shall effectually dispel all such er- roneous prejudices, and shall satisfactorily assert the true dignity of the art, so that my readers may join with me in exclaiming,
" Punica se quantis attollet gloria rebus !"
and may perceive, that it is not only venerable from its antiquity, and supported by the authority of persons of taste and learning, who have inva- riably cultivated it, but is likewise highly beneficial to the bodily health, moral feeling, and intellectual improvement of the community.
With respect to its antiquity, we find it treated of by the most eminent writers upon rhetoric among the ancients, who not only class it among the beau- ties-of language, but have stamped it with the dig- nity of a distinct figure of speech, assigning to it an appropriate name. I make no observations upon the injudicious attempts of some modern commen- tators to ally it to the paranomasia, it being evi- dently the antanaclasis of the rhetoricians. The great Aristotle (Rhet. ch. 11.) enumerates two or three different species of irafay^a/xjoiara, the name
ON 1'UNNIXG. 5
he gives to puns, in his remarks upon this figure, and cites examples of each kind, with expressions of commendation, from some of the most celebrated Greek authors. In Cicero's treatise on Oratory, a variety of instances of the antanaclasis are quoted, and highly praised by him for their wit. His own puns, with which his works abound, are more di- stinguished for their number than their excellence : humour does not appear to have been his forte, but his frequent attempts at punning sufficiently evince the high estimation in which it was held by himself and his contemporaries. The ancient poets, strange as it may appear, were not, in general, adepts in this art, if we except Aristophanes among the Greeks, and Ovid and Martial among the Latins. From the two last mentioned writers (the former of whom indeed would readily furnish a cento of puns) I beg leave to select two examples. The one is where Ovid makes Leander say, " POSITO cum veste timoreT the other is the well-known epigram by Martial on the emperor Nero :
" Quis negai JEnece natum de stirpe Neronem ? SUSTULIT hie matrem, SUSTULIT ille patrem."
I adduce these examples, because Addison, after erroneously defining a pun to be merely " a conceit
O PROLEGOMENA
arising from the use of two words that agree in the sound, but differ in the sense,1' goes on to inform us that if translated into a different language, it will vanish in the experiment ; in fact he would re- present it as vox et prtelerea nihil, a sound, and nothing but a sound. Unquestionably there are a multitude of puns that might answer this de- scription, but it is far from being applicable to all. In the two instances I have just brought forward, the words posito and sustulit can be exactly trans- lated into English, and both the sense and the pun retained. The truth is, that Addison, like many more who have thought proper to be very severe on the talents of the punning fraternity, was evidently not very accurately acquainted with the nature of what he was attacking.
If the plea of antiquity can thus be justly ad- vanced in favour of punning, the continued ad- herence of all nations in all periods to the practice, may likewise with reason be urged in its support. Nor are its ramifications of slight importance. It may be considered as the origin of technical terms, most of which, if properly analysed, will prove to be virtual puns or conundrums ; as the parent of double entendre of every description ; and even as containing the germs of that slang formerly con-
ON PUNNING. 7
fined to the lower walks of life, but, in our more cnb'ghtened days, emulously studied even among the Corinthian pillars of polished society.
The number of final letters, which among the French are mere ciphers in pronunciation, has al- ways given them a decided advantage in puns of mere words over every other nation. Their writings and conversation are alike replete with them ; but they are almost invariably of that kind alluded to by Addison, which are lost if clothed in any but their native dress. Indeed this is almost a necessary consequence of the very circumstance already al- luded to, which ensures them such superior facility in the production of puns. A brace of these I shall present my readers with, both as exhibiting a strong confirmation of what I have above said, and as being of modern date, and, in my opinion, of sterling excellence. The first of these is the reply made by a Parisian wit, to a person who asked him what was the true distinction between a flea and a louse. He answered that they were only disciples of dif- ferent philosophers: the lice being followers of Epictetus (dcs pique-teles), and the fleas of Epi- curus (des piqueurs). The other is an epigram, much talked ofF at the time of its appearance in the French metropolis, written by some wag, under a
8 PROLEGOMENA
picture of Louis XVIII. painted by Le Gros, and placed in one of the public exhibitions. The striking resemblance of the head and neck of that monarch to those of a rabbit is well known ; and of this circumstance the malicious epigrammatist thus happily avails himself in the pasquinade referred to:
Le Gros 1'a peint ! (legros lupin !)
Le Gros 1'a peint !
Notre bon souverain.
De la peinture admirez la magic :
Tout le raonde a la fois s'ecrie,
Le Gros 1'a peint I
Le Gros 1'a peint !
As I have assumed the privilege in these re- marks of being as desultory and digressive as I please, I shall here notice what I term macaroni punning, effected by a fictitious melange of different languages. Sometimes this will arise from the in- spection of a single word. Who, for instance, can forbear smiling at the curious orthoepical coin- cidence by which an accommodating fair one is in Latin designated meretrix? This, however; is the simplest effort of the macaroni class, and far from implying that ingenuity visible in higher flights of the same kind, which are frequently conspicuous
ON PUNNING. y
for their wit and pithiness. Lord Erskine's in- scription on his tea chest, Tu doces, is of great merit in its way. Lord Norbury, I believe, has the reputation of having observed, upon seeing some young fellow vain of his personal attractions almost in tears at contemplating the manner in which the nocturnal attacks of a band of jumpers had disfigured his face, " Fle-bit, he will weep." His countryman Currants reply to his rival counsel Egan, will not easily be forgotten. The latter, coming out of court, and observing on Currants coat a certain disgrace to the poll, addressed him in the words of Virgil :
" Die mihi, Damceta, cujum pecus ? an Meliboei ?"
Curran immediately replied by completing the passage :
" Non, verum JEooNis : nuper mihi tradidit JEooN."
Probably, however, Swift's impromptu quotation on seeing a Cremona violin swept off a table by a lady's mantua :
" Mantua, vse ! miserse nimium vicina Cremona?,"
will always stand at the head of puns of this class. I own that I am particularly delighted with a
10 PROLEGOMENA
good macaroni pun. It necessarily implies, not only superior wit, but a considerable fund of learn- ing, on the part of the punster. And what is still better, it shows that this learning is free from the rust of pedantry, tending to enliven those around him, and not to create in him a repulsive conceit, and a haughty estrangement from society. His candle is not hidden under a bushel, but freely and cheerfully dispenses its light : His treasure is not kept in the form of useless hoarded bullion, but is converted into a valuable circulating medium, the coin being liberally and extensively distributed by its owner.
The inmates of universities have usually been remarked for their attachment to punning. The men of Cambridge, in particular, have ever, from their foundation, been distinguished by their excel- lence as paragrammatists. It surely not a little exalts this noble art, that those who have enjoyed peculiar opportunities of justly appreciating every thing connected both with abstruse and polite li- terature, should have sedulously cultivated it. And I think I may be allowed to say, in contradiction to the reiterated attempts of prejudice and stupidity to undervalue it, that I never met with a person
ON PUNNING. 11
incapable of some degree of excellence in punning, who was remarkable for any species of wit above the practical jokes of a merry-andrew.
But it is not only on its high antiquity, its ex- tensive diffusion, or the distinguished authorities that can be adduced in support of it, that the claims of punning are founded. The philosopher who defined man to be ro faov yeXwt, certainly selected the only characteristic besides that of speech, which particularly and exclusively distinguishes man from the brute creation.
" 'Twas said of old, deny it now who can, The only laughing animal is man. The bear may leap, its lumpish cubs in view, Or sportive cat her circling tail pursue ; The grin deep-lengthen pug's half-human face, Or prick'd up ear confess the siinp'ring ass : In awkward gestures awkward mirth be shown, Yet, spite of gesture, man still laughs alone."
Now to the exercise of this high and distinguished prerogative of our nature, what is a more certain stimulant than a pun ? If it be good, you laugh at the pun ; if bad, at the punster ; and in either case, he is almost certain to laugh himself. More-
PROLEGOMENA
over, the punster is one of all others, " qtietnjocus risusque circumvolat " not only witty himself, but the cause. of wit in others; for it is rarely, indeed, in the social circle, that one pun is not the signal for a series of others. The cards are generally played after the first is led, till the suit is fairly out.
But laughter is not only one of the principal fa- culties which distinguish man from inferior animals ; it likewise contributes greatly to the promotion and preservation of health. " Laugh and grow fat,11 is a very old and a very wise adage.
And observe, the fat which thus increaseth the ribs is wholesome, good, firm fat, bearing no re- semblance whatever to the adipose envelope of the bloated and corpulent. Those who are clothed with laughter-begotten fat are, moreover, in ge- neral, of humour frank and free, cordial, cheerful, and enterprising ; as dissimilar to the indolent, arthritic, or the selfish gourmand, as to the cada- verous, saturnine, acetous beings who stalk about like so many skeletons, galvanised into temporary motion, and presenting a memento mori to all they meet. And if such be the genial, the beneficial, effects of laughter, can we laud too highly the
CW PUNNING. 13
practice of punning, that most apt and prompt in- strument of promoting it ?
In another point of view, too, this art doth not a little contribute to the advancement and improve- ment of moral feeling. How often have the aspe- rities incident to conversation been instantly soft- ened down by the means of a well-timed pun? How many a rising storm of colloquial debate and controversial wrath has been dispelled by the same salutary agency, when wisdom would have failed to convince, or mediation to conciliate ? The able punster has perhaps more frequent opportunities than any other character, of securing the blessing pronounced upon the peace-maker.
The pious Dr. Watts, in his Introduction to Logic, has commented on the moral as well as literary evils arising from the number of equivocal and the comparative paucity of univocal words. Now the knowledge of a disease being half its cure, who is so likely to be exempt from the evils arising from the above-mentioned sources as the punster? Every fresh touch of his art may be considered as a discovery of some more of these dangerous equi- vocals, and indeed his whole life may be regarded as a philanthropic voyage in quest of them, com-
14 PROLEGOMENA
birring the double advantage of exciting mirth by their timely production, and affording a salutary warning to the hearer against the employment of such Proteus terms in grave and serious discussion. Thus again we see the paragrammatist enabled to contribute in a high degree to the social enjoyment, literary improvement, and moral amelioration of his fellow creatures.
If wit consists principally, as the first of modem philosophers has affirmed, in the unexpected asso- ciation of ideas apparently far removed in their na- ture from each other, punning must, in its very essence, claim to rank in the highest class of wit. And how must the frequent exercise of searching for such associations, and bringing them however recondite to light, sharpen the intellect of the indi- vidual engaged in it ! We have already adverted to the general practice of this art among the mem- bers of our universities ; we may likewise observe that the learned body of the law, a body distin- guished perhaps beyond any other for their su- perior shrewdness, and extent of general informa- tion, are universally partial to it. The barrister who pleads, and the judge who directs, are alike ambitious to display their excellence in this highly
ON PUNNING. 15
prized art ; and justice herself, though for the sake of her character she must needs be blind, is rarely found deaf to the sallies of the punster.
Ohe ! jam satis est. Sufficient, we are persuaded, has been said to satisfy all persons of the value and excellence of punning, except indeed the ob- stinately incredulous; and such, as a just pu- nishment, we would excommunicate for ever from the enjoyment of puns, and the society of punsters. Can we pronounce a severer doom ?
But as the best of things are the most liable to abuses, so has the cause of punning suffered much from the want of judgment evinced by many of its votaries. Anxious, as far as possible, to contribute to maintaining this noble art in the possession of its well-merited reputation, we venture a few words of caution to some of its professors on the errors too frequently committed by them.
Imprimis, a pun, like an epigram, is worth little indeed if the point can be anticipated. Hence proper names, though they have in some few in- stances been successfully worked upon, are in ge- neral bad materials for the punster. The attempt to pun upon Black, White, Green, Brown, Scott, England, and id genus omne, if productive of any
16 PROLEGOMENA
laughter, is of that only which is excited by the imbecility and empty pretensions of him who makes it. In justice to our contemporary JOHN BULL, we must observe that on this very dangerous ground, he is almost the only person who has had the singular felicity of uniformly appearing with success.
For the same reason that we object to proper names, we need scarcely observe that all trite puns are detestable. There are a number of words, such as heart, love, soul, last, grave, and a host of others, that have been fairly worn thread-bare in the service. Let him whose wit is not competent to discover some other sources than these hackneyed ones, be a listener, but by no means a speaker in a circle of punsters. Decies repetita placebit, how- ever just it may be as the criterion of merit in a poem, will never do for a pun, one of whose chief excellencies is novelty, — nay, which often, however rich at the moment of its utterance, will not suc- cessfully admit of repetition, even to those who have never before heard it, at another time and under different circumstances.
A pun can rarely be considered very good, which involves a difference of orthography. It appears
ON PUNNING. 17
like a descent from its true dignity to the level of a common conundrum.
Lastly, let every punster bear in mind, that punning is only the sauce of conversation, and that he who thinks to entertain by introducing it con- tinually into his discourse, resembles a man who should present me with a dish of Cayenne pepper alone by way of a meal. It may likewise be ob- served, that what is usually called an inveterate, is never a good punster. The constant desire of display, by accustoming himself to be contented with mediocrity, or something below it, almost disqualifies him from uttering any thing above it. We may say with justice, " a pun spoken in good season, how good is it P Time, and place, and persons too, must be regarded. The punster, while he enlivens conversation, is one of the greatest ac- quisitions to a company ; when he only interrupts it, he is one of its greatest nuisances. Much more could we add concerning both the theory and practice of this art, but we would not willingly become tedious. Gentle reader, whosoever thou art, receive in good part what we have here written ; imbue thyself with such a love of punning, and such a sense of its dignity, that thy efforts may exalt and not degrade it : so shalt thou merit the
c
18
PROLEGOMENA, &C.
good wish which, with a sincere heart, we now bestow upon thee : Mayest thou become one of the warmest admirers of punning, and shine as one of the first of punsters !
THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING
FROM PLATO S SYMPOSIACKS.
BY DR. SHERIDAN.
ONCE on a time in merry mood, Jove made a Pun of flesh and blood : A double two-faced living creature, Androgynes, of two-fold nature, For back to back with single skin He bound the male and female in ; So much alike, so near the same, They stuck as closely as their name. Whatever words the male exprest, The female turn'd them to a jest ; Whatever words the female spoke, The male converted to a joke : So, in this form of man and wife They led a merry punning life.
The gods from heaven descend to earth, Drawn down by their alluring mirth ;
20 THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING.
So well they seem'd to like the sport,
Jove could not get them back to court.
Th' infernal gods ascend as well,
Drawn up by magic puns from hell.
Judges and furies quit their post,
And not a soul to mind a ghost.
' Heyday !' says Jove : says Pluto too,
' I think the Devil's here to do;
Here's hell broke loose, and heaven's quite empty ;
We scarce have left one god in twenty.
Pray what has set them all a-running ?' —
'Dear brother, nothing else but punning.
Behold that double creature yonder
Delights them with a double entendre?
1 Odds-fish,' says Pluto, ' where 's your thunder ? Let's drive, and split this thing asunder !' * That's right,' quoth Jove ; with that he threw A bolt, and split it into 'two ; And when the thing was split in twain, Why then it punn'd as much again.
6 'Tis thus the diamonds we refine, The more we cut, the more they shine ; And ever since your men of wit, Until they're cut, can't pun a bit. So take a starling when 'tis young, And down the middle slit the tongue,
THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING.
With groat or sixpence, 'tis no matter, You'll find the bird will doubly chatter.
' Upon the whole, dear Pluto, you know, 'Tis well I did not slit my Juno ! For, had I done't, whene'er she'd scold me, She'd make the heavens too hot to hold me.' The gods, upon this application, Return'd each to his habitation, Extremely pleas'd with this new joke ; The best, they swore, he ever spoke.
ARS PUN-ICA, SIVE FLOS LINGUARUM;
ART OF PUNNING,
THE FLOWER OF LANGUAGES:
IN SEVENTY-NINE RULES:
FOR THE FURTHER IMPROVEMENT OF CONVERSATION, AND HELP OF MEMORY.
LABOUR AND INDUSTRY OF TOM PUN-SIBI.
K\ ambigua dicta vel argutissima putantur ; sed non semper in joco, saepe etiam in gravitate versantur. Ingeniosi enim videtur, vim verbi in aliud atque caeteri accipiant, posse ducere."
Cicero, de Oratore, Lib. ii. § 61, 2.
TO
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE
SIR JOHN SCRUB, BART.
AND WINE-MERCHANT,
THIS DEDICATION IS HUMBLY PRESENTED BY THE AUTHOR.
YOUR honour's character is too well known in the world to stand in need of a dedication ; but I can tell you, that my fortune is not so well settled but I stand in need of a patron. And therefore, since I am to write a dedication, I must, for decency, proceed in the usual method.
First, I then proclaim to the world your high and illustrious birth : that you are, by the father's side, descended from the most ancient and cele- brated family of Rome, the Cascas; by the mo- ther's, from Earl Percy. Some indeed have been so malicious as to say, your grandmother kilPd-hcr- kin: but, I think if the authors of the report were found out, they ought to be hampered. I will allow that the world exclaims deservedly against your mother) because she is no. friend to the bottle ;
26 DEDICATION.
otherwise they would deserve a. firkin, as having no grounds for what they say. However, I do not think it can sully your fine and bright reputation ; for the credit you gained at the battle of Hogshed, against the Duke of Burgundy, who felt no sham- pain, when you forced him to sink beneath your jx)wer, and gave his whole army a brush, may in time turn to your account ; for, to my knowledge, it put his highness upon the fret. This indeed was no less racking to the king his master, who found himself gross-lee mistaken in catching a tartar. For the whole world allowed, that you brought him a peg lower, by giving him the parting-blow, and making all his rogues in buckram to run. Not to mention your great a-gillity, though you are past your prim-age ; and may you never lack-age, with a sparkling wit, and brisk imagination ! May your honour also wear long, beyond the common scant- ling of human life, and constantly proceed in your musical diversions of pipe and sack-but, hunting with tarriers, &c. and may your good humour in saying, " / am-pJior-a-bottle^ never be lost to the joy of all them that drink your wine for nothing, 4ind especially of,
Your humble servant,
TOM PuN-SiBi.
A SPECIMEN; A SPICE I MEAN.
PREFACE.
Htec nos, ab imis Pun-icorum annalibiis Prolata, longo tempore edidimus tibi. FKST.
I've raked the ashes of the dead, to show Puns were in vogue five thousand years ago.
THE great and singular advantages of PUNNING, and the lustre it gives to conversation, are com- monly so little known in the world, that scarce one man of learning in fifty, to their shame be it spoken, appears to have the least tincture of it in his dis- course. This I can impute to nothing but that it hath not been reduced to a science; and indeed Cicero seemed long ago to wish for it, as we may gather from his second book de Oratore *, where he has this remarkable passage: " Suavis autem est et vehementer saepe utilis jocus et facetiae cum
* Lib. ii- § liv.
28 PREFACE TO THK
a)nbiguitate —in quibus tu longe aliis men sententia, Caesar, excellis : quo magis mihi etiam testis esse potes, aut nullam esse artem salis, aut, si qua est, earn nos tu potissimum docebis." " Punning is extremely delightful, and oftentimes very profitable; in which, as far as I can judge, Caesar, you excel all mankind ; for which reason you may inform me, whether there be any art of Punning ; or, if there be, I beseech you, above all things, to instruct me in it." So much was this great man affected with the art, and such a noble idea did he conceive of it, that he gave Caesar the preference to all mankind, only on account of that accomplishment !
Let critics say what they will, I will venture to affirm, that Punning, of all arts and sciences, is the most extraordinary : for all others are circum- scribed by certain bounds ; but this alone is found to have no limits, because to excel therein requires a more extensive knowledge of all things. A Pun- ner inust be a man of the greatest natural abilities, and of the best accomplishments : his wit must be poignant and fruitful, his understanding clear and distinct, his imagination delicate and cheerful ; he must have an extraordinary elevation of soul, far above all mean and low conceptions ; and these must be sustained with a vivacity fit to express his
ART OF PUNNING. 29
ideas, with that grace and beauty, that strength and sweetness, which become sentiments so truly noble and sublime.
And now, lest I should be suspected of imposing upon my reader, I must entreat him to consider how high Plato has carried his sentiments of this art (and Plato is allowed by all men to have seen farther into Heaven than any Heathen either before or since). Does not he say positively, in his Cra- tylus, " Jocos et Dii amant,"" the gods themselves love Punning? whicli I arn apt to believe from Homer's a,<r@s<rrof yeKioc, unextinguished laughter ; because there is no other motive could cause such continued merriment among the gods.
As to the antiquity of this art, Buxtorf proves it to be very early among the Chaldeans ; which any one may see at large, who will read what he says upon the word rvtf Pun, Vocula est Chaldaeis fami- liarissima, &c. " It is a word that is most fre- quently in use among the Chaldeans,"" who were first instructed in the methods of punning by their magi, and gained such reputation, that Ptolema?us Philo-punnaeus sent for six of those learned priests, to propagate their doctrine of puns in six of his principal cities ; which they did with such success, that his majesty ordered, by public edict, to have a
30 PREFACE TO THE
full collection of all the puns made within his do- minions for three years past ; and this collection filled one large apartment of his library, having this following remarkable inscription over the door :
" The shop of the souPs physic *."
Some authors, but upon what ground it is un- certain, will have Pan, who in the ^Eolic dialect is called Pun, to be the author of Puns, because, they say, Pan being the god of universal nature, and Punning free of all languages, it is highly probable that it owes its first origin, as well as name, to this god : others again attribute it to Janus, and for this reason — Janus had two faces ; and of conse- quence they conjectured every word he spoke had a double meaning. But, however, I give little credit to these opinions, which I am apt to believe were broached in the dark and fabulous ages of the world; for I doubt, before the first Olympiad, there can be no great dependence upon profane history.
* Vide Joseph. Bengor. Chronic, in Edit. Georg. Horae- didse. Seriem Godoliae Tradit. Hebraic. Corpus Paradoseon Titulo Megill. c. i. § 8. Chronic. Samarit. Abulphetachi. Megillat. Taanit.
ART OF PUNNING. 31
I am much more inclined to give credit to Bux- torf ; nor is it improbable that Pythagoras, who spent twenty-eight years at Egypt in his studies, brought this art, together with some arcana of phi- losophy, into Greece ; the reason for which might be, that philosophy and punning were a mutual assistance to each other : " For," says he, *< puns are like so many torch-lights in the head, that give the soul a very distinct view of those images, which she before seemed to grope after as if she had been imprisoned in a dungeon.'1 From whence he looked upon puns to be so sacred, and had such a regard to them, that he left a precept to his disciples, for- bidding them to eat beans, because they were called in Greek ituwoi. " Let not,11 says he, " one grain of the seeds be lost ; but preserve and scatter them over all Greece, that both our gardens and our fields may flourish with a vegetable, which, on ac- count of its name, not only brings an honour to our country, but, as it disperses its effluvia in the air, may also, by a secret impulse, prepare the soul for punning, which I esteem the first and great felicity of life.11
This art being so very well recommended by so
. great a man, it was not long before it spread
through all Greece, and at last was looked upon to
32 PREFACE TO THE
be such a necessary accomplishment, that no person was admitted to a feast who was not first examined, and if he were found ignorant of punning, he was dismissed with 'Exa$ ere, feZyhot, " Hence, ye pro- fane !"
If any one doubts the truth of what I say, let him consult the apophthegms of Plutarch, who, after he had passed several encomiums upon this art, gives some account of persons eminent in it ; among which (to shorten my preface) I choose one of the most illustrious examples, and will entertain the courteous reader with the following story : " King Philip had his collar-bone broken in a battle ; and his physician expecting money of him every visit, the king reproved him with a pun, saying he had the key in his own hands.11 For the word xAf£/;, in the original, signifies both a key and a collar-bone *.
We have also several puns recorded in Diogenes Laertius1s " Lives of the Philosophers ;" and those made by the wisest and gravest men among them, even by Diogenes the cynick, who, although pre- tending to withstand the irresistible charms of pun- ning, was cursed with the name of an abhorrer
* Vide Plut. Apophth. p. 177.
ART OF PUNNING. 33
Yet, in spite of all his ill-nature and affectation (for he was a tub-preacher), he made so excellent a pun, that Scaliger said, " He would rather have been
O *
author of it, than king of Navarre." The story is as follows : Didymus (not Didymus the commen- tator upon Homer, but a famous rake among the ladies at Athens) having taken in hand to cure a virgin's eye that was sore, had this caution given him by Diogenes, " Take care you do not corrupt your pupil." The word xo'^a signifies both the pupil of the eye and a virgin *.
It would be endless to produce all the authorities that might be gathered, from Diodorus Siculus, Herodotus, Proconosius, Bergaeus, Dionysius Hali- carnassensis, Lycophron, Pindar, Apollonius, Me- nander, Aristophanes, Corinthus Cous, Nonnus, Demosthenes, Euripides, Thucydides, Plato, Aris- totle, &c. ; from every one of which I should have produced some quotations, were it not that we are so unfortunate in this kingdom not to have Greek types sufficient for such an undertaking -f- : for
* See Laertius.
t Though it is no uncommon thing for a country printer to be without Greek types, this could scarcely be a serious complaint at Dublin in 1719.
34 PREFACE TO THE
want of which, I have been put to the necessity, in the word xopa, of writing an alpha for an eta.
However, I believe it will not be amiss to bring some few testimonies, to show in what great esteem the art of punning was among the most refined wits at Rome, and that in the most polite ages, as will appear from the following quotations.
Quinctilian says *, " Urbanitas est virtus quaedam, in breve dictum, verum sensu duplici, coacta, et apta ad delectandos homines," &c. Thus trans- lated, " Punning is a virtue, comprised in a short expression, with a double meaning, and fitted to de- light the ladies."
Lucretius also,
Quo magis sternum da dictis, Diva, leporem. " Goddess, eternal puns on me bestow."
And elsewhere,
Omnia enim lepidi magis admirantur, amantque Germanis quae sub verbis latitantia cernunt : Verbaque constituunt simili fucata sonore, Nee simili sensu, sed quse mentita placerent.
" All men of mirth and sense admire and love Those words which like twin-brothers doubtful prove ,
* Institut. Orator, lib. vi. p. 265.
ART OF PUNNING. 35
When the same sounds a different sense disguise, In being deceived the greatest pleasure lies."
Thus Claudian : : n.fi
Vocibus alternant sensus, fraudisque .jocosse, Vim duplicem rident, lacrymosaque gaudia miscent.
" From word to word th' ambiguous sense is play'd ; Laughing succeeds, and joyful tears are shed."
And Martial :
Sit mihi, China, conies, salibus dictisque facctus, Qui sapit ambiguos fundere ab ore sonos.
" Cinna, give me the man, when all is done, That wisely knows to crack a jest and pun."
Petronius likewise will tell you,
Dicta, sales, risus, urbana crepundia vocum, Ingenii facilis qua; documenta dabunt.
" Jokes, repartees, and laugh, and pun polite, Are the true test to prove a man is right."
And Lucan :
Illi egt imperium risus, qui fraude leporis Ambigua fallens, humeros quatit usque solutis Nexibus, ac tremuli trepidant curvamina dorsi, Et jecur, et cordis fibras, et pandit anhelas Pulmonis late-bras —
" He's king of mirth, that slightly cheats our sense With pun ambiguous, pleasing in suspense ; The shoulders lax become, the bending back Upheaved with laughter, makes our ribs to crack ; E'en to the liver he can joys impart, And play upon the fibres of the heart ;
D2
36 PREFACE TO THE
Open the chambers of longues *, and there Give longer life in laughing, than in air."
But to come nearer home, and our own times ; we know that France, in the late reign, was the seat of learning and policy ; and what made it so, but the great encouragement the king gave punners above any other men : for it is too notorious, to quote any author for it, that Lewis le Grand gave a hundred pistoles for one single pun-motto, made upon an abbot, who died in a field, having a lily growing out of his a — :
" Habe mortem prae oculis. Abbe mort en prez au culiz."
Nor was his bounty less to Monsieur de Ferry de Lageltre the painter (though the pun and the picture turned against himself), who drew his ma- jesty shooting, and at some distance from him an- other man aiming at the same fowl, who was with- held by a third person, pointing at the king, with these words from his mouth,
" Ne voyez vous le Roy tirant ?"
Having now, from the best authorities, plainly proved the antiquity and excellence of the art of
* Potius lungs, as a Dutch commentator would observe.
ART OF TUNNING. 37
punning, nothing remains but to give some general directions as to the manner how this science is to be taught.
1. Let the husband teach his wife to read it.
2. Let her be appointed to teach her children.
3. Let the head servant of the family instruct all the rest, and that every morning before the master and mistress are up.
4. The masters and misses are to repeat a rule every day, with the examples ; and every visiting- day be brought up, to show the company what fine memories they have.
5. They must go ten times through the book, before they be allowed to aim at a pun.
6. They must every day of their lives repeat six synonymous words, or words like in sound, before they be allowed to sit down to dinner, — such as
Assent, Ascent. A Lass, Alas. Bark, Barque.
Alter, Altar. A Peer, Appear. Barbery, Barberrie.
They are all to be found in metre, most labo- riously compiled by the learned author of " The English School-master," printed anno 1641, London edit. p. 52.
38 PREFACE TO THE
7. If any eldest son has not a capacity to attain to this science, let him be disinherited as non- compos, and the estate given to the next hopeful child.
Si quid novisti rectius istis,
Candidas imperti : si non, his utere mecum *.
" If any man can better rules impart,
I'll give him leave to do't with all my heart!"
PARAGRAPH OF THE FIRST PREFACE THAT WAS OMITTED,
WHICH THE READER (ACCORDING TO HIS JUDGMENT OR DISCRETION) MAY INSERT WHERE HE PLEASES.
THERE is a remarkable passage in Petronius Arbiter, which plainly proves, by a royal example, that punning was a necessary ingredient to make an entertainment agreeable. The words are these : " Ingerebat nihilominus Trimalchio lentissima voce, Carpe. Ego, suspicatus ad aliquam urbanitatem
* Hor. Ep. I. i. 67.
ART OF PUNNING. 3U
toties iteratam vocem pertinere, non erubui cum qui supra me accumbebat hoc ipsum interrogare. At ille qui saepius ejusmodi ludos spectaverat, Vides, inquit, ilium qui obsonium carpit, Carpus vocatur. Itaque quotiescunque dicit Carpe, eodem verbo et vocat et imperat." And it is further re- markable, that every day of his life he made the same pun at dinner and supper.
A SECOND PREFACE.
LEST my modesty should be called in question, for venturing to appear in print, in an age so fa- mous for politeness and ingenuity, I think I am bound to say this in my own defence, that these few sheets were not designed to be made public, as being written for my own private use: but what will not the importunity of friends conquer ? they were no sooner discovered in my study, but my merry friend George Rochfort, my learned ac- quaintance Patrick Delany, and my much honoured patron Jonathan Swift, all unanimously agreed, that I should do my own reputation and the world that justice, as to send " such a treasure of know- ledge" (as they were pleased to express themselves) to the press. As for the work itself, I may ven- ture to say, it is a work of time and experience, and entirely unattempted before. For which reason, I hope the candid reader will be favourable in his judgment upon it, and consider that all sciences in
A SECOND PREFACE. 41
their infancy have been weak and feeble. The next age may supply where I have been defective ; and the next perhaps may produce a Sir Isaac in punning. We know that logicians first spun out reason in categories, predicaments, and enunciations ; and at last they came to wind up their bottoms in syllogisms, which is the completing of that science.
The Chaldeans began the mathematics, in which the Egyptians flourished. Then these, crossing the sea by the means of Thales the Milesian, came into Greece, where they were improved very much by Pythagoras, Anaxagoras, and OEnopides of Chios. These were followed by Briso, Antipho, Hippo- crates, &c. But the excellence of the algebraic art was begun by Geber, an Arabian astronomer (whence as is conceived the word algebra took its rise), and was much since improved by Cardanus, Tartaglia, Clavius, Stevinus, Ghetaldus, Herigenius, Fran. Van Schooten, Florida de Beaune, &c.
But to return to the Art of Punning again ; the progress and improvement of which, I hope, will be equal to the sciences I have mentioned ; or to any superior to them, if there be such : reader, I must trespass a little longer on your patience, and tell you an old maxim, Bonum quo communius^ eo me-
42 A SECOND PEEFACE.
lius, " Good, the more common, the better it is."" You see, I have in imitation of the industrious bee gathered my honey from various flowers ; but yet I cannot say, without some diminution and loss to the persons from whom I have taken the examples to my rules, who are likely never to use their puns again.
And here to avoid the imputation of ingratitude, I must declare to the world, that my worthy friend
Dr. R , who is singularly remarkable for his
unparalleled skill in punning, and a most indus- trious promoter of it, has been a very great instru- ment in bringing this work to light, as well by ani- mating me to proceed in it, as by endeavouring to procure a good letter for the impression.
The favourable acceptance that my puns have met with in some private companies, makes me flatter myself, that my labours therein will be can- didly accepted, as they have been cordially intended to serve my native country.
TOM PUN-SIBI.
From my Study, up one Pair of Stairs, ill-contrived Street- wards, August Sib,, 1719-
THE
ART OF PUNNING.
" PUNNATA dicuntur, id ipsum, quod sunt, alio- rum esse dicuntur, aut alio quovis modo ad aliud referuntur."
Puns, in their very nature and constitution, have a relation to something else ; or, if they have not, any other reason why will serve as well.
The Physical Definition of Punning, according to Cardan.
Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears, and falling upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion in those parts ; and this being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart.
The Moral Definition of Punning. Punning is a virtue that most effectually pro- motes the end of good fellowship, which is laughing.
44 ART OF PUNNING.
N. B. I design to make the most celebrated punners in these kingdoms examples to the following rules.
RULE 1 . The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it ; that is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, what- ever men may think of his judgment ; like Dr. Swift *, who said, when a lady threw down a cre- mona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua,
" Mantua vae miserse nimium vicina Cremonse !"
Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut off. Vid. Popish Legend, torn. Ixxviii. p. 15,000. '
R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have
good assurance, like my Lord B , who puns in
all companies.
R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better
assurance, like Brigadier C , who said, ' That,
as he was passing through a street, he made to a country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him whether it was his own hair, or a perriwig ?' whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest.
* In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is ascribed to Dr. Delany.
ART OF PUNNING. 45
1
R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best assurance, like Dr. D— — , who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth time.
R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man^s puns about half an hour after he has made them ; as Dr. E and Mr. F frequently do.
I remember one day I was in company with
them, and upon Major G saying, l That he
would leave me the gout for a legacy,1 I made an- swer, and told the company, * I should be sorry to have such a leg as he."* They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the pun as I had.
R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All pans made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so much old gold. Ex. gr. suppose two famous punsters should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, < That is a Carthaginian war:'
Q. How, sir ?
A. Why, sir, it is a Pun~ick war.
R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and answer.
Q. Who was the first drawer ?
46 ART OF PUNNINCf.
A. Potiphar.
Q. Which is the seat of the spleen ?
A. The hips.
Q. Who were the first bakers ?
A. The Crustumenians. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley).
Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?
A. Middle-sex.
Q. What part of England has the most dogs ?
A. Baric-shire.
Q. From whence come the first tumblers ?
A. From Somerset.
Q. Who were the first mortgagers of land?
A. The people of Cumber-land.
Q. What men in the world are the best soldiers ?
A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry their jire-locks upon their shoulders.
Q. Why should a man in debt be called a diver ?
A. Because he has dipped over head and ears.
Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting ?
A. Because they come with a hoop and a hollow.
Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin ?
ART OF PUNNING. 47
A. Because they are in-sects.
Q. Where were the first breeches made ?
A At Thy-atira.
Q. Who were the first gold-finders ?
A. The Turditani.
Q. What part of the world is best to feed dogs in?
A. Lap-land.
Q. What prince in the world should have a boar for his arms ?
A. The duke of Tusk-any.
Q. Where do the best corn-cutters live ?
A. At Leg-horn.
Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers ?
A. Because their heels are given to running.
Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base violins and fiddles ?
A. Because they are strung with cat-gut.
Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a tory, or vice versa, why should his gown be stripped off?
A. Because he is guilty of sham-party.
Q. How many animals are concerned in the for- mation of the English tongue ?
48 AKT OF PUNNING.
A. According to Buck-anan, a great number ; viz. cat-egorical, dog-medical, crow-nological, Jlea- botomy, fah-ognomy, squirril-ity, rat-ification, mouse-olceum, pus-illanimity, hare-editary , ass-tro- nomy,jay-ography, stag-yrite, duck-tllity.
Q. Where were the first hams made?
A. They were made in the temple of Jupiter Hammon, by the Hamadryades ; one of them (if we may depend upon Baker's Chronicle) was sent as a present to a gentleman in Ham-sJiire, of the fa- mily of the Ham-Utons, who immediately sent it to Ham-ton-court, where it was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the English phrase ham-strung.
Thus did great Socrates improve the mind, By questions useful since to all mankind ; For, when the purblind soul no farther saw, Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law, His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight, And so he taught his pupils with day-light.
R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to in- terrupt them with a pun. Ex. gr. suppose them poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them ' How go squares with
AttT OF PUNNING. 49
them r" You may say too, ' That, being too intent upon those figures, they are become cycloeid, i. e. sickly-eyed; for which they are a pack of loga- rithms, i. e. loggerheads? Vide R. 34.
R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his own pun ; as Martial advises :
" Qui studet alterius risum capture lepore, Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum"
" He that would move another man to laughter, Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after."
R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance : Sir
W sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's
scholars, and desired my advice as to the manage- ment of them :
Miss-Chief, the ringleader.
Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint.
Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid.
Miss- Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler.
Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet.
Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.
50 ART OF PUNNING.
Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle.
Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping.
Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the dirt.
Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and milk where the cat got at it.
Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of darning.
For which I sent the following masters :
Master-Stroke, to whip them.
Master- Workman, to dress them.
Master-Ship, to rig them.
Master-Lye, to excuse them.
Master- Wort, to purge them.
Master- Piece, to patch them.
Master-Key, to lock them up.
Master-Pock, to mortify them.
If these can't keep your ladies quiet, Pull down their courage with low diet. Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruel To feed them on plain water-gruel ; But take my word, the best of breeding \ As it is plain, requires plain feeding.
Fide Roscommon.
ART OF PUNNING. 51
R. 11. The Rule of Repetition : You must never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and understands it ; ex. gr. Sir, I have good wine to give you ; excellent pontack, which I got "*pon tick ; but, sir, we must have a little pun-talk over it ; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam. — There is pun-talk upon pontacfc, and ^pon tick too, hey.
R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your elements, whether you have Jish,fowl9 or Jlesh, for dinner : As for instance, Is not tliisjish which Mr. Pool sent me, ex-stream sweet ? I think it is main good, what say you ? O1 my sole., I never tasted better, and I think it ought to take plaice of any that swims : though you may carp at me for saying so, I can assure you that both Dr. Spi'att and Dr. WJialey are of my mind. — This is an excellent fowl, and a fit dish for liigh-jlyers. Pray, sir, what is your o-pinion of this wing" '$ As for the leg, the cook ought to be clapper-clawed for not roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not a grape-lover; i. e. grey plover^ Are you for any
52 ART OF FUNKING.
of this mutton, sir ? If not, I can tell you, that you ought to be lamb-asted; for you must know that I have the best in the country. My sheep bear away the bell, and I can assure you that, all weathers, I can treat my friends with as good mutton as this : he that cannot make a meal of it, ought to have it ram-med down his throat.
R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this you may recal a discourse that has been past two hours, and introduce it thus: * Sir, as you were saying two hours ago — you bought those stockings in Wales ; I believe it, for they seem to be 'well- chose, i. e. Welsh-hose.'' — ' Sir, you were saying, if I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers have the speediest justice. I agree with you in that ; for they are never without red-dress?
R. 14. The Rule of Transition ; which will serve to introduce any thing that has the most remote relation to the subject you are upon ; ex. gr. If a man puns upon a stable, you may pun upon a corn- Jield, a meadow, a liorse-park, a smith's or Sadler's shop ; ex. gr. One says, ' His horses are gone to rackC Then you answer, ' I would turn out the rascal that looks after them. Hay, sir, don't you think I am right ? I would strike while the iron is hot; and pummel the dog to some purpose.1
ART OF PUNNING. 53
R. 15. The Rule of Alienation; which obliges you, when people are disputing hotly upon a sub- ject, to pitch upon that word which gives the greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. This has not only occasioned peace in private com- panies, but has put a stop to hot wranglings in parliaments and convocations, which otherwise would not so soon come to a resolution: for, as Horace says, Ridiculum acri, &c. ; and very often it
is found so. Sir once, in parliament,
brought in a bill which wanted some amendment ; which being denied him by the house, he frequently repeated, ' That he thirsted to mend his bill.' Upon which, a worthy member got up, and said, ' Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since that member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught? This put the house into such a good humour, that his petition was granted.
R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons pun upon different subjects, after the same manner. Ay, says one, ' I went to my shoe-maker's to-day for a pair of shoes which I bespoke a month ago ; and when all came to aZ/, the dog bristles up to me with a thousand excuses, that I thought there would never be an end of his discourse : but, upon my calling him a rascal, he began to wax warm,
54 ART OF PUNNING.
and had the impudence to bid me to vamp oft', for he had not leisure now to talk to me, because he was going to dinner : which vexed me indeed to the very sole. Upon this I jumped out of his shop in a great rage, and wished the next bit he eat might be his last? Says another, ' I went to a tanner's that owed me some money ; and (would you think it ?) the pitiful fellow was fleshed at it, insomuch that forsooth he could not hide his resentment, but told me, that it was enough to set a man horn mad to be dunned so early in a morning : and, as for his part, he would curry favour no longer with me, let me do my worst. Thus the unmannerly cur barked at me, &c.'
R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a man's saying which he never spoke, and making a pun upon it, as, ' Ay, sir, since you say he was born in Bark-shire, I say he is a son of a bitch.''
R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of in- troducing puns which we have studied before; e.v. gr. By talking of Truelock the gun- smith, his very name will provoke some person in the company to pun. Then you proceed: * Sir, / smell powder, but you are plaguy weak in your mainspring for punning ; I would advise you to get a better stock, before you pretend to let off: though you may
AHT OF PUNNING. 55
think yourself prime in this art, you are much mistaken, for a very young beginner may be a match for you. Ay, sir, you may cock and look big; but, u-pan my word, I take you to be no more than ajiash; and Mrs. Skin-flint, my neigh- bour, shall pun with you for a pistole, if I do not lose my aim, &c.'
R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, when you have conned over in your mind a chain of puns, you surprise the best punner in company, after this manner : ( Say Tan-pit, if you dare.'
R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear a man out of his pun, and prove yourself the author of it ; as Dr. S — served Capt. W — , who was told how a slater, working at his house, fell through all the rafters from top to bottom, and that upon this accident he said, 'He loved to see a man go cleverly through his work."1 < That is mine, by ,' said the Doctor.
R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making a string of puns as fast as you can, that nobody else can put in a word till you have exhausted the subject ; ex. gr. There was one John Appleby, a gardener, fell in love with one Mrs. Curran, for her jherrycheelcs and her lily white hand ; and soon after he got her consent to graft upon her
56 ART OF PUNNING.
stock. Mr. Link the parson was sent for, who joined the loving pair together; Mr. Rowintree and Mr. Holy-oak were bride-men. The company were, my lady Joan Keel, who came-a-mile on foot to compliment them; and her maid Sally, re- markable for her carrots, that rid upon a chestnut. There was Dr. Burr age too-, a constant medlar in other people's affairs. He was lately im-peacttd for murdering Don Quick-set. Mrs. Lettice Skirret and Mrs. jRose-merry were the bride-maids; the latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an arch wag called a funeral dirge : but, notwith- standing this, our friend John began to thrive upon matrimony like a twig in a bush. I forgot to tell you, that the tailor had so much cabbage out of the wedding suit, there was none at all for supper.
R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a person makes an excellent pun, and you immedi- ately fix another upon it ; as Dean Swift one day said to a gentleman, who had a very little bob wig, * Sir, the dam of your wig is a rchiskeri upon which I came in very d propos, and said, ' Sir, that cannot be, for it is but an ear-wig."1
R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to bring a man into a pun, and leave him to work it out : as, suppose you should hear a man say the
AltT OF PUNNING. 67
word incomparable Then you proceed, in-com-
incom-par-par-rable-rable So let the other
make his best of it.
R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a jumping of wits: that is, when a man has made a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was just coming out with it. One night, I remember,
Mr. served Dr. so. The former saying
over a bottle, ' Will, I am for my mistress here.' 4 How so?1 says Tom. ' Why, I am for Wine-if- red."1 ' By this crooked stick *,' said Tom, ' I was coming out with it.1
R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man hunts a pun through every letter and syllable of a word : as for example, I am asked, * What is the best word to spend an evening with?' I an- swered, &PotatoS; for there is po—pot—pota — potat — potato, and the reverse sot-a-top?
R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man having got the thanks and laugh of a company for a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he read it in " Cambridge Jests." This is such an in- version of it, that I think I may be allowed to make examples of these kind of people in verse :
* Cane-a-wry, i. e. Canary.
58 ART OF PUNNING.
Thus puppies, that adore the dark, Against bright Cynthia howl and bark ; Although the regent of the night, Like us, is gay with borrow'd light.
R. 57. The Professionary Rule * is, to frame a story, and swear you were present at an event where every man talked in his own calling ; ex. gr.
Major swears he wap present at the seizing of
a pick-pocket by a great rabble in Smithfield ; and that he heard
A Tailor say, * Send the dog to hdV The Cook, < Let me be at him, I'll baste him.' The Joiner, ' It is plain the dog was caught in the fact ; I saw him.'
The Blacksmith, ' He is a fine spark indeed !' The Butcher, ' Knock down the shambling cur.' The Glazier, ' Make 'the light shine through him.'1
The Bookseller, ' Bind him over.' The Sadler, * Pummel him.' The Farmer, < Thrash the dog.'
* An improvement on this rule was adopted by Dr. Swift, in his " Full and True Account of Wood's Procession to the Gallows."
ART OF PUNNING. 59
A Popish Priest going by, * I'll make the Devil fly out of him?
R. 28. The Brazen- head Rule is, when a punster stands his ground against a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter de- struction of all conversation but his own. As for instance — says one, ' I hate a pun? — Then he, ' When a pun is meant) is it a punishment?' —
* Deuce take your quibbling i1— * Sir, I will not bate you an ace. cinque me if I do ; and I'll make you know that I am a sice above you.' — ' This fellow cannot talk out of his element."1 — ' To divert you was all I meant.''
R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you sup- pose things hardly consistent to be united, for the sake of a pun : as for instance — suppose a person in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of his face but the handle of it; why should he make the longest verses in the world ? Ans. Versos Alexandrinos, i. e. All-eggs- and-dry-nose.
R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that pun- ning is free of all languages : as for the Latin Romanes you may say * Roman nose '— Temeraria,
* Tom, where are you T — Oxonice prospectus, * Pox on you, pray speak to us. For the French quelque
60
ART OF PUNNING.
chose, you may say in English 4 kick shoes.1 When one says of a thief, * I wish he was transported ;"* answer, « he is already fur enough.' Dr. Swift made an excellent advantage of this rule one night : when a certain peevish gentleman in his company had lost his spectacles, he bid him ' have a good heart, for, if it continued raining all night, he would find them in the morning.'' — ' Pray, how so ? — * Why, sir,
' Nocte pluit tota, redeunt spectacula mane.'
R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in it, then he is to say, ' You have hit it P As Major Grimes did : complaining that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning to run, he was answered by Mr. — , ' I wonder that you should be confined who have such running legs."1 The Major replied, ' You have hit it ; for I meant thai:
R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak well of another punster ; ex. gr. t Who, he ! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo ;' or ( He does not know the meaning of synonymous
ART OF PUNNING.
Gl
words ;"" or, ' He never rose so high as a conundrum or a carry whichit.'
R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for your own : as for instance ; mustard happened to be mentioned in company where I was, and a gen- tleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was at Mus — vrnis, sinapi — sinapi — snap eye — bite nose; — One in the company, over-hearing him, bit him, and snapped it up, and said, « Mustard is the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by the nose?
R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another ; by this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word ; ex. gr. For Church — Kirk. '. . . Bangor — Clangor- . . . Presbyter — Has-biter.
This rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life by it. The case was thus : A certain man was brought before a judge of assize for murder : his lordship asked his name, and being answered Spillman, the judge said, ' Take away Sp, and his name is Ill-man ; put K to it, and it is Killman : away with him, gaoler ; his very name
62 ART OF TUNNING.
has hanged him*.' This 34th rule, on this oc- casion, became a rule of court, and was so well liked, that a justice of peace, who shall be nameless, applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him upon the same account, after this manner : ' Come, sir, I conjure you, as I am one of his majesty's justices of the peace, to tell me your name.' — ' My name, an't please you, is Watson."1 — ' O ho, sir ! Watson ! mighty well ! Take away Sp from it, and it is lU-man, and put K to it, and it is Kill-man : away with him, constable, his very name will hang him.'
Let us now consider a new case ; as for instance, ' The church of England, as by law established.' Put a T before it, and it is Test-ablished: take away the Test and put in o, and it is Abolished.
How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious author of Parson Alberoni, obliged to it, in that very natural story which he framed concerning the preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation
* A presbyterian preacher of the last age chose to exem- plify the Golden Rule, by dissecting the name of the great enemy of mankind : ' Take away D, and it is Evil, take away the E, and it is File, take away the V, and it is /// — ///, File, Evil, Devil.'
AUT OF PUNNING.
called the minister an Humbassandor for an Am- bassador *.
Give me leave, courteous reader, to recommend to your perusal and practice this most excellent
* The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, ' A modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King Philip, a Minor, and universal Curate of the whole Spanish Monarchy, &c. by Thomas Gordon, Esq. 1719,' and is as follows : ' There is, in a certain diocese in this nation, a living worth about six hundred pounds a-year. This, and two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in be- coming ease and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, and a journeyman in the country ; his curate and his coach- horses are his equal drudges, saving that the four-legged cattle are better fed, and have sleeker cassocks, than his spiritual dray-horse. The doctor goes down once a-year, to shear his flock and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to receive the wages of his embassy ; and then, sometimes in an afternoon, if his belly do not happen to be too full, he vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to instruct his people in the greatness of his character and dullness. This composes the whole parish to rest ; but the doctor one day denouncing himself the Lord's Ambassador with greater fire and loudness than could have been reasonably expected from him, it roused a clown of the congregation, who waked his next neighbour with, 'Dost hear, Tom, dost hear?'— 'Ay,' says Tom, yawning, ' what does he say ?' — ' Say ?' answered the other, ' he says a plaguy lie, to be sure ; he says as how he is my Lord's Humbassandor, but I think he is more rather the Lord's Receiver-General, for he never comes but to take money.' Six hundred pounds a-year is, modestly speaking, a competent fee for lulling the largest congregation in
G4> ART OF PUNNING.
rule, which is of such universal use and advantage to the learned world, that the most valuable disco- veries, both as to antiquities and etymologies, are made by it; nay, further, I will venture to say, that all words which are introduced to enrich and make a language copious, beautiful, and harmo- nious, arise chiefly from this rule. Let any man but consult Bentley's Horace, and he will see what useful discoveries that very learned gentleman has made by the help of this rule ; or, indeed, poor Horace would have lain under the eternal reproach of making ' a. fox eat outs? had not the learned doctor, with great judgment and penetration, found out nitedula to be a blunder of the librarians for vulpecula ; which nitedula, the doctor says, signifies a grass-mouse, and this clears up the whole matter, because it makes the story hang well together : for all the world knows, that weazles have a most tender regard and affection to grass mice, whereas they hate foxes as they do fire-brands. In short, all various lections are to be attributed to this rule : so are all the Greek dialects ; or Homer would
England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such tithes are the price of napping ; and such mighty odds are there between a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture.' See the collection of Tracts by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. i. p. 130.
AKT OF PUN'NfXU. 65
have wanted the sonorous beauty of his oio's. But the greatest and best masters of this rule, without dispute, were the Dorians, who made nothing of saying tin for soie, tenon for ekeinos^ surisdomes for surizomen, &c. From this too we have our quasis in Lexicons. Was it not, by rule the 34th, that the Samaritan, Chaldee, ^Ethiopic, Syriac, Arabic, and Persian languages were formed from the ori- ginal Hebrew ? for which I appeal to the Polyglot. And among our modern languages, are not the Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and French, derived and formed from the Latin by the same power? How much poets have been obliged to it, we need no further proof than the figures prothesis, epen- thesis, apocope, paragoge, and ellipsis. Trimming and fitting of words to make them more agreeable to our ears, Dionysius Halicarnassensis has taken notice of, in his book * De Compositione Vocum/ where he pleasantly compares your polite reformers of words to masons with hammers, who break oft' rugged corners of stones, that they may become more even and firm in their places.
But after all, give me leave to lament, that I cannot have the honour of being the sole inventor of this incomparable rule : though I solemnly pro- test, upon the word of an author (if an author may
F
60 ART OF PUNNING.
have credit), that I never had the least hint toward it, any more than the ladies' letters and young children's pronunciation, till a year after I had proposed this rule to Dr. , who was an excel- lent judge of the advantage it might be to the public; when, to my great surprise, tumbling over the third tome of Alstedius, p. 71 , right loth to be- lieve my eyes, I met with the following passage : " Ambigua multam faciunt ad hanc rem, oujusmodi exempla plurima reperiuntur apud Plautum, qui in ambiguis crebro ludit. Joci captantur ex permu- tatione syllabarum et vocum, ut pro Decretum, D/scretum ; pro Medicus, Mendicus et Merdicus : pro Poly carpus, Polyeopros. Item ex syllabarum ellipsi, ut ait Althusisus, cap. iii. civil, convers. pro Casimirus, J*rus ; pro Marcus, Arcus ; pro Vinosus, Osus ; pro Sacerdotium, Otium. Sic, additione li- terae, pro Urbanus, Turbanus :" which exactly corresponded to every branch and circumstance of my rule. Then, indeed, I could not avoid breaking out into the following exclamations, and that after a most pathetic manner : " Wretched Tom Pun- Sibi ! Wretched indeed ! Are all thy nocturnal lucubrations come to this ? Must another, for being a hundred years before thee in the world, run away with the glory of thy own invention ? It is true, he
ART OF PUNNING. 67
must. Happy Alstedius ! who, I thought, would have stood me in all-stead^ upon consulting thy method of joking ! All's tedious to me now, since thou hast robbed me of that honour which would have set me above all writers of the present age. And why not, happy Tom Pun-Sibi ? did we not jump together like true wits? But, alas! thou art on the safest side of the bush ; my credit being liable to the suspicion of the world, because you wrote before me. Ill-natured critics, in spite of all my protestations, will condemn me, right or wrong, for a plagiary. Henceforward never write any thing of thy own ; but pillage and trespass upon all that ever wrote before thee: search among dust and moths for things new to the learned. Farewell, study ; from this moment I abandon thee : for, wherever I can get a paragraph upon any subject whatsoever ready done to my hand, my head shall have no further trouble than see it fairly transcribed !" — And this method, I hope, will help me to swell out the Second Part of this work.
THE END OF THE FIRST PART.
F2
TOM PUN-SIBI;
THE GIBER GIB'D*.
Mirandi novitate movebere mostri.— OVID.
TOM was a little merry grig, Fiddled and danced to his own jig ; Good-natured, but a little silly ; Irresolute, and shally-shilly : What he should do, he cou'dn't guess. Swift used him like a man at chess ;
» The Art of Punning was originally printed at Dublin in 1719, immediately reprinted in London, and then pretty generally ascribed to Dr. Swift. It appears, however, that in this instance the Dean was only an assistant ; the piece having been written by Dr. Sheridan, and corrected and im- proved by Dr. Swift, Dr. Delany, and Mr. Rochfort. Al- though it does not seem calculated to give offence to any one, it however called forth the above Satire from the pen of Dr. Tisdal.
TOM PUN-SIBI, ETC. 69
He told him once that he had wit, But was in jest, and Tom was bit. Thought himself second son of Phrebus, For ballad, pun, lampoon, and rebus. He took a draught of Helicon, But swallowed so much water down, He got a dropsy ; now they say, 'tis Turn'd to poetic diabetes ; For all the liquor he has pass'd, Is without spirit, salt, or taste : But, since it pass'd, Tom thought it wit, And so he writ, and writ, and writ : He writ the famous Punning Art, The Benefit of p — s and f— t ; He writ the Wonder of all Wonders ; He writ the Blunder of all Blunders ; He writ a merry farce or poppet, Taught actors how to squeak and hop it ; A treatise on the Wooden-man *, A ballad on the nose of Dan ; The art of making April fools, The four-and-thirty quibbling rules. The learned say, that Tom went snacks With Philomaths, for almanacks ;
* The wooden-man was a famed door-post in Dublin.
70 TOM PUN-SI fli ;
Though they divided are, for some say, He writ for Whaley, some for Cumpstey *. Hundreds there are, who will make oath, That he writ almanacks for both ; And, though they made the calculations, Tom writ the monthly observations !
Such were his writings, but his chatter Was one continual clitter-clatter. Swift slit his tongue, and made it talk, Cry, ( Cup o' sack,' and ' Walk, knave, walk P And fitted little prating Pall For wire-cage, in Common-Hall ; Made him expert at quibble-jargon, And quaint at selling of a bargain. Pall, he could talk in different linguos, But he could not be taught distinguos : Swift tried in vain, and angry thereat, Into a spaniel turned the parrot ; Made him to walk on his hind-legs, He dances, fawns, and paws, and begs ; Then cuts a caper o'er a stick -f-, Lies close, does whine, and creep, and lick : Swift put a bit upon his snout, Poor Tom ! he daren't look about ;
* Famous Irish almanack makers.
t This was literally true between Swift and Sheridan.
OR, THE GIBER GIB^D. 71
But when that Swift does give the word,
He snaps it up, though 'twere a t — .
Swift strokes his back, and gives him victual,
And then he makes him lick his spittle.
Sometimes he takes him on his lap,
And makes him grin, and snarl, and snap.
He sets the little cur at me ;
Kick'd, he leapt upon his knee ;
I took him by the neck to shake him,
And made him void his attnim Grcecum.
' Turn out the stinking cur, pox take him !'
Quoth Swift : though Swift could sooner want any
Thing in the world, than a Tanta-ny,
And thus not only makes his grig
A parrot, spaniel, but his pig.
ADVERTISEMENT.
THE Second Part of this Work will be published with all convenient expedition : to which will be added, A small Treatise of CONUNDRUMS, CARRI- WHICHITS, and LONG-PETITES ; together with the WINTER-FIRE'S Diversion; The Art of making REBUSES ; The Antiquity of HOOP-PETTICOATS proved from Adam's two Daughters, Calnuina and Delbora, &c. &c. &c.
PUNNING LETTER
EARL OE PEMBROKE,
PRETENDED TO BE THE DYING SPEECH OF TOM ASHE, WHOSE BROTHER, THE REVEREND DILLON ASHE, WAS NICK-NAMED DILLY.
TOM ASHE died last night. It is conceived he was so puffed up by my lord lieutenant's favour -, that it struck him into a. fever. I here send you his dying speech, as it was exactly taken by a friend in short-hand. It is something long, and a little incoherent ; but he was several hours de- livering it, and with several intervals. His friends were about the bed, and he spoke to them thus ;
My Friends,
Tt is time for a man to look grave, when he has one foot there. I once had only a punnic fear of death ; but of late I have jjundred it more seriously- Every fit of coughing hath put me in mind of my
THE DYlNtt SPEECH, ETC. 73
cojfin ,• though dissolute men seldomest think of dis- solution. This is a very great alteration : I, that supported myself with good wine, must now be myself supported by a small bier. A fortune-teller once looked on my hand, and said, « This man is to be a great traveller ; he will soon be at the Diet of Worms, and from thence go to Ratisbone? But now I understand his double meaning. I desire to be privately buried, for I think a public funeral looks like Bury fair ; and the rites of the dead too often prove wrong1 to the living. Methinks the word itself best expresses the number, neither few nor all. A dying man should not think of obsequies, but ob se quies. Little did I think you would so soon see poor Tom stown under a tomb stone. But as the mole crumbles the motdd about her, so a man of small mould, before I am old, may moulder away. Sometimes I've ravd that I should revive-, but physicians tell me, that, when once the great artery has drawn the heart awry, we shall find the cor di all, in spite of all the highest cordial. Brother, you are fond of Daffy's elixir ; but, when death comes, the world will see that, in spite of Daffy down Ditty, whatever doctors may design by their medicines, a man in a dropsy (hops he not, in spite of Goddard's drops, though none are reckoned such
74 THE DYING SPEECH
high drops ? — I find death smells the blood of an Englishman : a fee faintly Jumbled out will be a weak defence against \\\&fee-fa-fum. — P. T. are no letters in death's alphabet ; he has not half a bit of either : he moves his scythe, but will not be moved by all our sighs. Every thing ought to put us in mind of death. Physicians affirm, that our very food breeds it in us ; so that in our dieting, we may be said to di eating. There is something ominous, not only in the names of diseases, as e?/-arrho2a, di- abetes, eft-sentery, but even in the drugs designed to preserve our lives ; as di-acodium, di-apente, di- ascordium. I perceive Dr. Howard (and I feel how hard) lay thumb on my pulse, then pulls it back, as if he saw lethnm in my face. I see as bad in his ; for sure there is no physic like a sick phiz. He thinks I shall decease before the day cease; but, before I die, before the bell hath tolfd, and Tom Tollman is told that little Tom, though not old, has paid nature's toll, I do desire to give some advice to those that survive me. First, let game- sters consider that death is Itazard and passage^ upon the turn of a die. Let lawyers consider it as a hard case. And let punners consider how hard it is to die jesting, when death is so hard in digesting.
OF TOM ASHE. 75
As for my lord-lieutenant the Earl of Mun~ gomerry^ I am sure he be-wales my misfortune; and it would move him to stand by, when the car- penter (while my friends grieve and make an odd splutter) nails up my coffin. I will make a short affidavi-t, that, if he makes my epitaph, I will take it for a great honour ; and it is a plentiful subject. His excellency may say, that the art of punning is dead with Tom. Tom has taken all puns away with him. Omne tu lit pun-Tom. May his ex- cellency long live tenant to the queen in Ireland. We never Herberd so good a governor before. Sure he mun-go-merryhome, that has made a king- dom so happy. I hear, my friends design to publish a collection of my puns. Now I do confess, I have let many a pun go, which did never pungo ; there- fore the world must read the bad as well as the good. Virgil has long foretold it : Punica mala
leges. 1 have had several forebodings that I
should soon die : I have of late been often at com- mittees, where I have sat de die in diem. 1 con- versed much with the usher of the black rod : I saw his medals ,• and woe is me dull soul, not to con- sider they are but dead men's faces stampt over and over by the living, which will shortly be my condition.
76 THE DYIN'G SPEECH, &C.
Tell Sir Anthony Fountain, I ran clear tp the bottom, and wish he may be a late a river where I am going. He used to brook compliments. May his sand be long a running; not quick sand like mine ! Bid him avoid poring upon monuments and books; which is in reality but running among rocks and shelves, to stop his course. May his waters never be troubled with mud or gravel, nor stopt by any grinding stone! May his friends be all true trouts, and his enemies laid as flat as flounders! I look upon him as the most fluent of his race; therefore let him not despond. I foresee his black rod will advance to a pike, and destroy all our ills.
But I am going ; my wind in lungs is turning to a winding sheet. The thoughts of a pall begin to a pall me. Life is but a vapour, car elle va pour la moindre cause. Farewell : I have lived ad aLmicorumfastidium, and now behold how^a^ / dium!
Here his breath failed him, and he expired. There are some false spellings here and there ; but they must be pardoned in a dying man.
LETTER
GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF
A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR.
•a
SIR,
You must give me leave to complain of a pesti- lent fellow in my neighbourhood, who is always beating mortar; yet I cannot find he ever builds. In talking, he useth such hard words, that I want a Drugger-man to interpret them. But all is not gold that glisters. A pot he carries to most houses where he visits. He makes his prentice his gaily slave. I wish our lane were purged of him. Yet he pretends to be a cordial man. Every spring his shop is crowded with country-folks, who, by their leaves, in my opinion, help him to do a great deal of mischief. He is full of scruples; and so very litigious, that he Jiles bills against all his ac- quaintance : and, though he be much troubled with the simples, yet I assure you he is a Jesuitical dog ; as you may know by his bark. Of all poetry he loves the dram-a-tick. I am, SEC.
PUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY.
Worthy Mr. PENNYFEATHER,
MADAM Johnson has been very ill-used by her servants ; they put shillings into her broth instead of groats, which made her stamp. I hear they had them from one Tom Ducket, a tenant to Major Noble, who I am told is reduced to nine-pence. We are doubting whether we shall dine at the Crown or the Angel. Honest Mark Cob, who has been much moydored of late, will dine with us, but 'Squire Manypenny and Captain Sterling desire to be excused, for they are engaged with Ned Silver to dine in CAawgv-alley. They live in great har- mony; they met altogether last week, and sate as loving as horses in a pound. I suppose you have heard of the r^iwo-ceros lately arrived here. A captain was co*7fc-iered on Wednesday. A sca- venger abused me this morning, but I made him down with his dust, which indeed was a. far-thing from my intentions. Mrs. Brent had a pi-stole
GOD'S REVENGE, &C. 79
from her ; I would a' g'mny'e a good deal for such another. Mrs. Dingley has made a souse for your collard-eel. Alderman Coyn presents his service to you. I have nothing but half-pens to write with, so that you must excuse this scrawl. One of my seals fell into a chink. I am, without alloy, Your most obedient,
TOM MITE.
P. S. Mr. Cole presents his service to you, of which I am ^-tester.
GOD'S REVENGE AGAINST PUNNING,
BY DR. ARBUTHNOT;
SHOWING THE MISERABLE FATES OP 'PERSONS ADDICTED TO THIS CRYINO SIN IN COURT AND TOWN.
MANiFOLDhavebeen the judgmentswhich Heaven, from time to time, for the chastisement of a sinful people, has inflicted on whole nations. For when the degeneracy becomes common, 'tis but just the punishment should be general: Of this kind, in our own unfortunate country, was that destructive }>estilence, whose mortality was so fatal, as to sweep
80 GOD'S REVENGE
away, if Sir William Petty may be believed, five millions of Christian souls, besides women and Jews.
Such also was that dreadful conflagration en- suing, in this famous metropolis of London, which consumed, according to the computation of Sir Samuel Morland, 100,000 houses, not to mention churches and stables.
Scarce had this unhappy nation recovered these funest disasters, when the abomination of play-
ises rose up in this land : from hence hath an inundation of obscenity flowed from the court and overspread the kingdom. Even infants disfigured walls of holy temples with exorbitant represen- tations of the members of generation : nay, no sooner had they learnt to spell, but they had wick- edness enough to write the names thereof in large capitals : an enormity observed by travellers to be found in no country but England.
But when whoring and popery were driven hence by the happy Revolution, still the nation so greatly offended, that Socinianism, Arianism, and Whis- tonism triumphed in our streets, and were in a manner become universal.
And yet still, after all these visitations, it has pleased Heaven to visit us with a contagion more
AGAINST PUNNING. 81
epidemical, and of consequence more fatal: this was foretold to us, first, by that unparalleled eclipse in 1714 ; secondly, by the dreadful corus- cation in the air this present year; and, thirdly, by the nine comets seen at once over Soho-square, by Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and others : a contagion that first crept in among the first quality, descended to their footmen, and infused itself into their ladies — I mean the woeful practice of PUN- NING. This does occasion the corruption of ou language, and therein of the word of God trans- lated into our language, which certainly every sober Christian must tremble at.
Now such is the enormity of this abomination, that our very nobles not only commit punning over tea, and in taverns, but even on the Lord's day, and in the kingvs chapel : therefore, to deter men from this evil practice, I shall give some true and dreadful examples of God's revenge against pun- sters.
The Right Honourable (but it is not
safe to insert the name of an eminent nobleman in this paper, yet I will venture to say that such a one has been seen ,- which is all we can say, considering the largeness of his sleeves) — This young nobleman was not only a flagitious punster himself, but was
82 GOD'S REVENGE
accessary to the punning of others, by consent, by provocation, by connivance, and by defence of the evil committed ; for which the Lord mercifully spared his neck, but as a mark of reprobation wryed his nose.
Another nobleman of great hopes, no less guilty of the same crime, was made the punisher of him- self with his own hand, in the loss of 500 pounds at box and dice ; whereby this unfortunate young gentleman incurred the heavy displeasure of his aged grandmother.
A third of no less illustrious extraction, for the same vice, was permitted to fall into the arms of a Datilah, who may one day cut off his curious hair, and deliver him up to the Philistines.
Colonel F , an ancient gentleman of
grave deportment, gave into this sin so early in his youth, that whenever his tongue endeavours to speak common sense, he hesitates so as not to be understood.
Thomas Pickle, gentleman, for the same crime, banished to Minorca.
Muley Hamet, from a wealthy and hopeful officer in the army, turned a miserable invalid at Tilbury- Fort.
Eustace, Esq. for the murder of much of
AGAINST PUNNING. 83
the King^ English in Ireland, is quite deprived of his reason, and now remains a lively instance of emptiness and vivacity.
Poor Daniel Button, for the same offence, de- prived of his wits.
One Samuel, an Irishman, for his forward at- tempt to pun, was stunted in his stature, and hath been visited all his life after with bulls and blunders.
George Simmons, shoemaker at Turnstile in Holborn, was so given to this custom, and did it with so much success, that his neighbours gave out he was a wit. Which report coming among his creditors, nobody would trust him ; so that he is now a bankrupt, and his family in a miserable condition.
Divers eminent clergymen of the university of Cambridge, for having propagated this vice, be- came great drunkards and Tories.
From which calamities, the Lord in his mercy defend us all, &c. &c.
THE BIRTH OF A PUN *.
WHEN Adam and Eve, as the saints all believe, From the garden of Eden were driven ; They put up a prayer to king Joe in his chair, , That a boon he would grant them from heaven. 'Twas in vain that old Jove 'gainst their petition
strove,
Madame Juno determined to grapple His arguments keen ; said the thunderer's queen, " Where's the sin, pray, of stealing an apple ? " Send Momus, I beg, let him carry an egg, " To earth's now disconsolate son ; " And bid Mistress Eve, that no longer she grieve, " For the gods have enclosed them a Pun" Now downward the sprite on the earth did alight, And cracking the shell on the floor, Gave birth to a Pun, full of humour and fun, And sadness they never knew more. .
* ANTIQUITY OF PUNS AND ENIGMAS,
By the learned Author of Hermes.
On the subject of puns the late learned author of HERMES and Philological Inquiries has the following remarks and extracts :
ANTIQUITY OF PUNS. 85
A PUN seldom regards MEANING, being chiefly confined to SOUND.
HORACE gives a sad example of this spurious wit, where (as Dryden humorously translates it) he makes Persius the buffoon exhort the patriot Brutus to kill Mr. KING, that is, Rupilius Rex, because Brutus, when he slew Ccesar, had been accustomed to KING-KILLING.
Hunc REGEM occide ; operum Hoc mihi crede tuorum est.
We have a worse attempt in Homer, where Ulysses makes Polypheme believe his name was OTTIS, and where the dull Cyclops, after he had lost his eye, upon being asked by his brethren who had done so much mischief, replies, 'twas done by OTTIS, that is, by NOBODY.
ENIGMAS are of a more complicated nature, being involved either in pun or metaphor, or sometimes in both.
'Ai$p «i£ov Tffi/fi ^aXxov ITT' avs'pi xoXXwavra.
/ saw a man, who, unprovoked with ire, Stuck brass upon another's back byjfire.
This ENIGMA is ingenious, and means the operation of cupping; performed in ancient days by a machine of brass.
In such fancies, contrary to the principles of good meta- phor and good writing, a perplexity is caused, not by accident, but by design, and the pleasure lies in the being able to resolve it.
THE ENGLISH CELEBRATED FOR PUNNING ON NAMES.
THE English are noted for punning on people's names, in allusion to their talent or profession.— Grimaldi was called, from his " grim faces,"" Grim- all-day; Macready, from his quick study, " Make ready ;"" Young, from his youthful appearance, " the young actor ;" Kean, from his new readings, " the keen actor;" Sinclair, from his beautiful voice, " Mr. Sing clear;" Miss Tree, the lovely vocalist, " the Mystery" Sec. &c. See. : innumerable are the instances in the political world, but quant, sujf. Perhaps one of the most laughable of the present day is the pun upon Mr. Thomas Bish, the stockbroker's name ; he was then at the head of one of the most respectable tea-dealing esta- blishments in London. His friends sunk his Chris- tian name, excepting the first letter, and jocosely called him Mr. Tea Bish: perhaps the joke was borrowed from an epigram on Mr. Twining, the tea-dealer, viz.
" How curiously names with professions agree, For Twining would be wining, dispossess'd of his T.
But we shall favour the reader with a few of the best modern examples.
OF PUNNING ON SURNAMES.
MEN once were surnamed from their shape or estate,
(You all may from history worm it :) There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great,
John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit. But now, when the door-plates of misters and dames
Are read, each so constantly varies From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, sur- names
Seem given by the rule of contraries.
Mr. Fox, though provoked, never doubles his fist,
Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel, Mr. Playfair won't catch me at hazard or whist,
Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel. Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a Whig,
Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly, And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gig
While driving fat Mrs. Golightly.
88 PUNNING ON SURNAMES.
Mrs. Drink water's apt to indulge in a dram,
Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury, And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. Lamb
Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury. At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout,
(A conduct well worthy of Nero,) Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout,
Mr. Heaviside danced a Bolero.
Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. Love,
Found nothing but sorrow await her : She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove,
That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter. Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut,
Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest ; Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut,
Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest.
Mr. Child, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. Rock, Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf shivers,
Miss Poole used to dance, but she stands like a
stock Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers.
PUNNING ON SURNAMES. 89
Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how, He moves as though cords had entwined him ;
Mr. Metcalfe ran off, upon meeting a cow, With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him.
Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea,
Mr. Miles never moves on a journey, Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after-three,
Mr. Makepiece was bred an attorney. Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a root,
Mr. Wilde with timidity draws back ; Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot,
Mr. Foote all his journeys on horseback.
Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth,
Kick'd down all the fortune his dad won, Large Mr. Le Fever 's the picture of health,
Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one. Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thousand a-year
By showing his leg to an heiress :— • Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite clear
Surnames ever go by contraries.
New Monthly Magazine.
AN EPITAPH,
OR
PUNNING RUN MAD.
HERE lies old John Magee, late the landlord at the
Sun, He never had an ail, unless when all his ale was
done : The Sun was on the sign, tho' what sign his sun
was on,
No studier of the Zodiac could ever hit upon. Some said it was Aquarius, so queerious he'd get ; But he declared no soda-hack should ever share his
whet. His burnished sun was sol-o, soul-heart'ning was
his cheer, And quaffing of good porter long kept him from
his bier. As draughtsman he'd no equal, his drawings were
so good, And many a noble draught has he taken from the
wood, —
PUNNING RUN MAD. 91
Rare spirited productions, with tasty views near
Cork; And then he had a score or two rum characters in
chalk.
Above the mantel-taillee his tally it was naiTd, And though he had lost one eyesight, his hop-ticks
never faiFd. Good ale and cider sold here, oft made the soldier
halt, And sailor Jack, his sail aback, would hoist aboard
his malt ;
Most cordially he'd pour out a cordial for the fair, Whose peeper meant to ogle the peppermint so rare ; While buxom Jean would toss off the juniper so gay, And swear it was both sweet and nice as any shrub
in May. At last John took to drinking, and drank till drunk
with drink ; His stuffing he would stuff in till stuff began to
shrink ; Tho1 mistress shook her hand high, he suck'd the
sugar-candy, And often closed his brand eye by tippling of the
brandy.
His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast, And staggering round his bar-rails, his barrels
breathed their last ;
92 PUNNING RUN MAD.
And when he treated all hands his Hollands ran away, Nor reap'd he fruit from any seed for aniseed to pay. And though he drank the bitters, his bitters still
increased, He puff'd the more parfait au cceur till all his efforts
ceas'd. The storm, alas ! was brewing, the brewer drew his
till, And Mrs. Figg, for 'bacca, to back her brought her
bill.
Distillers still'd his spirits, but couldn't still his mind ; He told the bailiff he would try a bail if he could
find; But fumbling round the tap-room, Death tapp'd
him on the head, So here he lies quite flat and stale, because, d'ye
see, he's dead.
Literary Gazette.
.cO-
BENJAMIN BASHFUL
ON
THE VICE OF PUNNING.
THE PUNSTER S FOE.
Who's he, that from our hoard is running ? He, Sir's an enemy to punning, A hashful foe, who loves not wit — Ergo, because he's none of it Within his cranium ; and at table Sits like the fox in ^sop's fable, Watching the grapes he'd fain devour, And disappointed, calls them sour. A laugh would decompose his metal, And like a dog, with a tin kettle Dangling at his tail, he runs From witty wags who deal in puns.
TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ.
Sir, v
IT has just been communicated to me, that' you are about to collect and publish a Punster's Pocket-
94 ON THE VICE OF PUNNIVG.
Book, for the express purpose of promoting that pei-nicious vice, which is already much too pre- valent. As an antidote to the evil, I hope you will not Jail to insert this my special protest.
B. BASHFUL.
I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, to use the phrase of the mode, have just come out, and made my entre into the world with the repu- tation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could wish you to notice a minor evil in society which tends to poison the springs of taste and knowledge, by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing back the reflective, speaker. I allude to the vice of punning, which tends to destroy all the profit and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in the greatest degree, the young and inexperienced.
It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionable dilettanti, each of them capable of sustaining a part in rational discourse, and of conducting the intel- lectual conflict with some share of vigour and learning ; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter away time, patience, and attention, with a series of unconnected quibbles and conundrums. Instead of the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid crea- tions of lively, intelligent minds, the conversation
ON THE VICE OF TUNNING. 95
presents a motley intermixture of shreds of wit and patches of conceit, a chequer-work of incongruities, the very orts and scraps of the " Feast of Reason,11 the dozings of science, and dregs of literature. If I relate to this group of punsters the most affecting circumstance, I am heard with impatience and in- attention, till I chance unwittingly to utter a word susceptible of a double or triple interpretation. The mischievous spark of folly immediately ignites, the moral interest of my tale is undermined, and a loud report of laughter announces the explosion. The genius of orthography frowns in vain : puns are, by the law of custom, entitled to claim en- trance into the sensorium either by the eye or the ear : but when a pseudo pun (" for indeed there are counterfeits abroad") is perceptible to neither sense — when read, its wit is not discoverable ; and when heard, it cannot be understood : to avoid the horror of an explanation, I find myself obliged to perjure my senses by laughing in ignorance and very sadness, and thus contribute a sanction to the practice I would fain abolish. The evil is sub- versive of the first principle of society. Is it little to hunger for the bread of wisdom, and to be fed with the husks of folly ? Is it little to thirst for
96
ON THE VICE 0V PUNNING.
the Castalian fount, and see its waters idly wasted in sport or malice? Is it little to seek for the in- terchange of souls, and find only the reciprocity of nonsense ?
P. S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
To which complaint, I add this note And sketch, by way of antidote, The glorious art can life enhance, A Pun will cause a Bear to dance, And as we here have proof, — provoke A bashful man to stand a joke.
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING,
ROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENT PERSONS.
THE PUNSTER 8 BOWL.
The sovereign medicine of life,
The antidote to care and strife —
Is friendship, and the cheerful bowl,
When humour meets a kindred soul :
Then flows the epigram, and pun,
From starry eve, to morning's sun ;
And Laughter, " holding both his sides,"
The rubs and jeers of life derides.
Then honest hearts, elate with glee,
Forget the world, and black ennui;
For nought like punch, and puns, can drown,
The supercilious rich man's frown,
Or free the heart, a prey to care,
From fortune's ills and fell despair.
BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men."
Addixon, Spectator, No. 61.
ROYAL PUNS.
EIGHT DIVINE.
AMONG the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the select evening parties of his present Majesty, George the Fourth, while at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend J. Wright. On one occasion the king suggested to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented, and his Majesty referred to the D. D. on which the reverend jocularly observed, " The king can do no wrong."" Then, said his Majesty, " Fred. I shall pursue my object, for you hear I have * Wright Divine* on my side."
COOKE AND KITCHEN.
Sir George C., better known as Col. C., was said to have had an intrigue with a Mrs. Kitchen. When the king was told of it, he said, " It wns
H2
100 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
very natural that a Cooke should be fond of Kitchen stuff", but if he meddles with the Coles he will get out of the frying-pan into the fire."" The Coles were cousins to the lady.
A DOWN HILL PUN.
Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, and a near relative to the Londonderry family, was among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr. Tierney remarked, that Sir George was getting old and feeble — " If I mistake not,'1 replied the king, " he is going down hill very rapidly.""
" HUME and CHOKER had a sharp contest last night,"" said the Earl of Liverpool to his Majesty, " but it ended in smoke? " I don't wonder at that," replied the monarch ; " The Fire of Croker was sure to smoke like Irish tfwr/'beneath the weight of Scotch Hume-i-dity"
SIR EDMUND NAGLE said he wondered that the king of France did not feel offended at the squibs let off against him in the English newspapers. " Pshaw !" said the king, " he would be a fool indeed to be frightened at a squib in London,
EXAMPLE^TN PUNNING. 101
when at Paris he is sitting on a barrel of gun- powder."
LORD ELDON'S PUNNING JEU D'ESPRIT. In an application to his Lordship for an in- junction to restrain the proprietors of the " Ga- zette of Fashion" from selling the song of " We're a1 Noddin," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling nature of the cause, after hearing the defendant, observed, " I will dismiss both parties, by granting an injunction against Cease your Funning"
LORD STOWELL,
On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in the Admiralty Court, inquired separately of the advocates, if they had any motion to move : and being answered in the negative, the judge very good humouredly replied, " Then, gentlemen, the best thing we can do will be to move ourselves"
GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST.
Kicking the Bucket.
As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were walking along Pall Mall, the Earl struck his foot, by accident, against a small pail, (which some
102 EXAMPLES IN PCNNING.
careless servant had left at the door), and turned it over ; " Why, your lordship has kicked the bucket? said the facetious orator ; " No, not so bad as that, George," replied the witty earl, " Tve only turned a little pale (i. e. pail)"
LORD ERSKINE.
Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of punning upon the ancient languages than his lord- ship. For instance, on one of the articles of his breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribed Tu doces> literally Thou — Tea— Chest.
THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION.
" Your Grace speaks without reason, and too much in a passion" said a Spanish brunette to whom he had made a proposal, and was pressing it somewhat close, " Ah ! my dear little angel," said the great captain, " reason has nothing to do with lov e ; and passion is very desirable when we are on the point of entering" into immediate action."
TURN IN 'AND TURN OUT.
A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, visited the Duke early on the morning
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 103
of the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving him lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his Grace " had not room to turn himself.11 The Duke immediately replied, " When you have lived as long as I have, you will know that when a man thinks of turning in his bed, it is time he should turn out of it."
THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE
Being told that a great public defaulter had mar- ried his kept-mistress, observed, " That fellow is always robbing the public.''''
KOGEHS ON TASTE.
When the Marquis of Hertford opened his splendid hotel in Piccadilly, Mrs. Coutts was one of the visitors present — much to the annoyance of certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an ob- servation of hers, upon the splendour and magni- ficence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers archly remarked, that, " besides splendour, there was so much good taste in the ornaments and so- ciety— every thing in the rooms was so chaste and delicate"
104 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
LADY HAMILTON.
The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her table given " Mr. Abraham Goldsmidt" as a toast, and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she .cried, " Come, come, my Lord, you must not sham Abraham.""
JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT.
A friend consoling with the comedian during a severe attack of the gout, observed, that the disease prolonged life, and added, " Any body might take a lease of yours."" " Then it must be," quoth Jack writhing with pain, " at a rack rent"
HOSPITALITY.
Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the Irish, after his return from a trip to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had ever been at Cork ? " No," replied the wit, " but I have seen a great many drawings of it."
LUTTRELL AND ROGERS.
Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the Chinese Saloon the other day. " This must be a famous speculation," said Sam ; " I think the pro- prietor of the Anatomie Vivante should take his motto from my favourite epistle in Horace —
' Aunonae prosit — Vir BONUS.' "
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 105
" Why," said Luttrell, " I think the man a hum- bug ; you'll find plenty of living skeletons in our hospitals — so I think a better motto may be found for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted
so often —
' Vir BONUS est QUIZ.' "
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX.
C. J.Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend,both much in- commoded by duns, were together in a house, when seeing some very shabby men about the door, they were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. Not knowing which was in danger, and wishing to ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and calling to them, said, " Pray, gentlemen, are you Fox-hunt- ing, or Hare-hunting ?""
LORD ROSS.
The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland in order to recruit his purse. On his way he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a lofty phaeton, with six fine dun-coloured horses. " Sir Murrough," exclaimed his Lordship, " what a contrast between you and me ! I have left my duns behind me ; you are driving your duns be- fore you.
106 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
DR. JOHNSON.
Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the end of the Old Bailey, observed a great crowd col- lected, and upon inquiring of Boswell what it meant, was informed that one Vowel was going to be hanged for forgery. " Well,"" replied the Doctor, " it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neither (/nor//1
AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY.
Dr. Johnson.
A pert young fellow who had made some abor- tive attempts as an author, and notwithstanding the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent terms with himself, had long been labouring for an opportunity of being introduced to the Doctor, and at length succeeded in obtaining an invitation to Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be frequently accosted by his name, which, in his own fond imagination, was "j'ama super athera notum" he sat for some time in expectation of being ac- costed by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, that his hopes were vain, he at length ventured to break the ice. Approaching the Doctor with a smile of self-sufficiency, " My name, Doctor John- son," said he, "is - — ; you have probably
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 107
heard of me as being of some celebrity in the liter- ary world.'1 " Yes, I have indeed," was the sar- castic reply he received, " of very unfortunate celebrity?
DR. PARR ON WANTS.
The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness was secure in proportion to the small number of his wants ; and he added, that, all his life, he had endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them in himself. A Mr. KETCH, on hearing this, said to him, " Then, Doctor, your secret of happiness is, to cut down your zvants" " Suspend your puns, Mr. Ketch? said the Doctor, " and / will drop you the hint : My secret is, not to let them groiv up?
GEORGE COLMAN.
George Colman being once asked if he were ac- quainted with Theodore Hook, replied, " Oh yes ; Hook and I (eye) are old associates."
JAMES SMITH, ESQ. ON SPRING AND SUMMER.
" We shall jump into summer all at once," said a friend to James Smith, one very fine day in the early part of the year. " Stop," said the punster, " if it is leap year, you must take a good spring first."
10$ EXAMPLES- IN PUNNING.
SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART THE SCORE
OF MERIT.
Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir George Smart being knighted, said, " It must have been on the merit of his score *, and not on the score of his merit"
MR. WILLIAM SPENCER.
Classical Pun.
As William Spencer was contemplating the ca- ricatures at Fores's one day, somebody pointed out to him Cruickshanks's design of the " Ostend packet in a squall ;" when the wit, without at all sympathizing with the nausea visible on some of the faces represented in the print, exclaimed,
" Quodcunque Ostendis mihi sic incredulus odi." REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST.
The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her friends who take grog, should mix equal quantities
* The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over rich.
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 109
of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. Reynolds having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the lady — "Pray, Sir, is it— As You Like It?"—" No, Madam," replied the dramatist, " it is — Measure for Measure?
HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS.
The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian. The first time that Henderson, the player, re- hearsed a part at Drury Lane, George Garrick came into the boxes, saying as he entered, " I only come as a spectator." Soon after he made some objection to Henderson's playing, when the young actor retorted — " Sir, I thought you were only to be a Spectator ,• instead of that you are turning Tatler? " Never mind him, Sir," said David Garrick, "never mind him, let him be what he will, I'll be the Guardian"
ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN.
The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written to some years since, with an offer for a good en- gagement from a manager, who, on a former occa- sion, had not behaved altogether well to him.
110 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
Cherry sent him word, that he had been bit by him once, and lie was resolved, that he should not make two bites of A. Cherry.
MR. JEKYLL'S PUN ON MR. RAINE. Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. Raine, the barrister, was engaged as the opposing counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, " If Raine was ever known to do any good to Hay ? "
RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER.
A Fault in Candles.
Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them com- plained of, as they were as good as he could make. " Why," says Ralph, t( they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any longer."
C. J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE " SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL."
Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund Burke, at the Thatched House, where they were served with dishes more elegant than substantial.
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. Ill
Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far from relishing the kickshaws that were set before him, and addressing his companion — " These dishes, Burke," said he, " are admirably calcu- lated for your palate — they are both sublime and beautiful.'1'1
HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON " TIT BITS.""
Home Tooke, author of the Epea Pteroenta, was remarkable for the readiness of his repartees in conversation. He once received an invitation to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. " What !" said Home Tooke, " go to meet a country schoolmaster, a mere man of Greek and Latin scraps ! that will never do." Some time after tljis, he met Dr. Parr in the street, and ad- dressed him with, " Ah ! my dear Parr, is it you? how gratified I am to see you !" " What, me?11 replied Parr, " a mere country schoolmaster, a man of Greek and Latin scraps ?" " Oh my good friend," rejoined Home Tooke immediately, " those who told you that never understood me ; when I spoke of the scraps I meant the tit-bits"
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
CURRAN'S CULINARY JOKE. During Lord Westmoreland's administration, when a number of new corps were raised in Ire- land (and given as jobs and political favours), it was observed, that, when inspected there, the esta- blishment of each regiment was nominally reported to be complete at embarkation for England, but when landed at the other side, many of them had not a quarter of their numbers. " No wonder," said Mr. Curran, " for after being mustered, they are afraid of being peppered, and off they fly, not wishing to pay for the roast"
COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE.
A gentleman being severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, who asked him repeatedly if he did not li ve within the verge of the court, at length answered that he did. {< And pray, sir," said Dunning, " why did you take up your residence in that place ?" — " In order to avoid the imperti- nence of dunning" answered the witness.
LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET.
Bleeding in Chancery.
On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained against that useful work the Lancet, the Lord
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 113
Chancellor sent it to the Vice, and " hoped there would be no more bleeding" to which Mr. Hart replied, not much, as there was only one operator retained by each side. Ay, but, said his lordship, they may stick to their patient like a LEACH.
R. B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.
One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak : " But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and another. " Now, (said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu,: —
The Prince came in, said it was cold, Then put to his head the rummer ;
Till swallow after swallow came, When he pronounced it summer.
CHARLES BANNISTER.
Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his custody, and asking his offence, was told he had stolen a bridle. " Then (said Charles) he wanted to touch the bit"
i
114 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING.
That very sober pious personage, Mr. Wilber- force, reproved his friend Sheridan thus: " My good Sir, (said he) you have drunk a little too much.'1'' " Have I ? (hiccupped the other) and you, my good Sir, have drunk much too little.'1''
THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD.
The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knot- ting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? " Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr. Whitfoord, can you knot?1" He answered, " / can-not.'1''
JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED.
The judge told an old man with a long beard, who was being examined as a witness, that he " supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard."" If, replied the old man, we were all to be judged of by that rule, your lordship would be deemed a most un- conscionable judge *.
LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY.
" Sic sine Morte Mori" was given by some wag as a toast, when Lord Chesterfield and Lord Ty-
* Jefferics had no beard.
EXAMPLES IN PUNNINO. 115
rawley were both present, at a very advanced age, when Lord Chesterfield said, " Tyrawley and I have been dead these two years; but we don't choose to have it known."
SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH.
A German baron at a gaming-house, being de- tected in an odd trick, one of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him u never play so high again.""
FELIX M'CARTHY.
Felix M'Carthy passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did thus : " I have been abused here by some of the rascals of this inn, and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the Principal"
TIERNEY V. FOX.
Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, " If any thing on my part, or on the part of those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I could not lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then in administration) whispered to his neighbour, " If he could not lie on his pillow with ease, he can lie in this house with ease."
i 2
116 EXAMPLES IN FUNNING.
LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS.
Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor at- tacked him : " I allow no person (said he) to kill game on my manor but myself; and I'll shoot you, if I find you here again." " What! (said the comedian) do you mean to make game of me T"1
CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW.
The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following hits took place :
W. I fear, Charles, you lose a great deal of time with this fiddling.
S. Sir, I endeavour to keep time.
W. You mean rather to kill time.
S. No, I only beat time.
JOHN KEMBLE MUEDERING TIME.
When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by Richard Cceur de Lion, Shaw, the leader of the band, called out from the orchestra, " Mr. Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are murdering time.'1'1 Kemble, calmly and coolly taking a pinch of snuft', said, " My dear Sir, it is better for me to murder Time at once than be continually beating him as you do."
SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE.
Sheridan complained that Congreve's " Love for
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 117
Love" had been so much altered and modified to suit the delicate ears of modern mawkishness, that it was quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern marriages, with very little of " Love for Love" in it. " His plays,"" said the wit, " are, I own, some- what licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them : they are like horses ; when you deprive them of their vice, they lose their vigour."
THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT.
An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the King's Bench ; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post : " Mr. A., who lately quitted the pulpit for the bar, has been promoted to the bench"
SIR J. PARNELL
Became a general toast in Ireland after the Union, by which he lost his place, or, as he once said, " his bread and butter." When lamenting his loss, he was told, " Ah ! but it's amply made up to you in toast"
HORACE TWISS, M. P.
A special Pun.
Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of Covent Garden theatre, to see Macbeth : when the hero questions the witches what they are doing,
118 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
they answer, *' a deed without a name." Our coun- sellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than Shakspeare, catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, " A deed without a name ! why, 'tis void."
RALPH WEWITZER.
The comedian meeting a young friend, observed how well he looked. " Ay, (says the other) I have a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be well satisfied ; in the first place, every morning I eat a great deal to breakfast." " Then (observes the former) I presume you breakfast in a timber- yard.^
JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER.
A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. John Bannister nearly lost his arm by the bursting of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he observed to a friend, " I may be an actor, but I will not attempt to be a Shooter?
LORD NELSON'S ARMS.
The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him to put up his arms, and change the name of the inn to The Nelson Hotel ; his lordship returned for an- swer, that he was perfectly welcome to his name, but he must be sensible that he had no arms to npare.
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. Ill)
SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST.
A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an assemblage of lawyers, Mr. Curran asked his lord- ship, if he should have the pleasure of helping him to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. " If it were hung (said his lordship), I would try it.'1 " If you were to try it (replied Curran), it would be sure to be hung."
CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE. On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister to " Coventry" for refusing to fight a duel, " Sure," said the wit, " that is carrying the joke a little toofar."
CAPITAL JOKES.
While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he saw. " You joke,"" said the barrister. " If (re- plied Mr. Curran) you have many such jokes in your head, the sooner you crack them the better.11
ON DISCIPLINE.
MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he had an unfortunate limp. At the time of the Re- bellion he was seized with a military ardour, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in
120 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meet- ing with Curran, MacNally said, " My dear friend, these are not times for a man to be idle ; I am de- termined to enter the Lawyers1 Corps, and follow the camp." " You follow the camp, my little limb of the law !" said the wit, " tut, tut, renounce the idea ; you never can be a disciplinarian."" " And why not, Mr. Curran ?" said MacNally. " For this reason," said Curran, " the moment you were ordered to march you would halt."
LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL. A gentleman told Lord North, that from a va- riety of losses, he had found himself compelled to reduce his establishment. " And what (said his lordship) have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?" " I have sold her." « Then you have not attended to Horace's maxim :
' EQUAJI memento rebus in arduis Servure' "
MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND.
Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas More, shortly after their mutual preferment, and thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage, ob- served, " Honores mutant Mores.'1'' " No, my lord (said Sir Thomas), the pun will be much better in English, Honors change Manners."
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 121 LORD BYEON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING.
Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning was the lowest species of wit. " True (said the other), it is the foundation"
THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE.
Pun beneficial.
Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, de- lighted in a good pun. His clergy dining with him the first time after the decease of his lady, he said he feared the company would not find things in so good order as they were in the time of poor Mary, adding with a sigh, " Ah ! she was indeed Mare Pacificum? A curate, who pretty well knew the truth of the matter, got himself completely into favour by observing, " Ay, my lord, but she was first Mare Mortuum"
' DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS.
A pun spoiled.
At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought in, become almost grey with age. " Carry these pease to Kensington !" said one of the party. " Why to Kensington ?" said another. " Because it's the way to TurrCem green? Dr. Goldsmith going home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds, observed, that he would have given five pounds to make so excellent a pun. " You shall have the opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when
122 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
you are to dine with me, and none of the same company will be present." Tuesday came, and the dinner was served up ; amongst the other dishes a plate of pease of the same description. " Carry these peas to Kensington," said Goldie. " Why so ?" " Because it's the way to make them green /"
DR. BROWN'S TOAST.
Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses to a young lady, whom he used always to give as a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the latter filling his glass, said, " Come, doctor, I'll give you your favourite toast." He answered, " You may do as you please ; but for myself, I have already toasted her too long without being able to make her Brown."1"1
R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M. P.
" Sir," said the humane M. P. to the facetious dramatist (praising his own bill), " instead of the drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as for- merly, you will shortly see them applying opodeldoc to their wounds." " Ay ;"" rejoined the punster, " Steer's of Cory-lane.""
R. PEAKE AND WINSTON.
The punster, having occasion to call upon the stage manager of Drury Lane, was shown into his room, when the servant remarked, " he feared Mr.
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 123
Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a stage screw lying upon the table before him, took it up and replied, " I perceive he has left his card and name behind him."
ARNOLD AND PEAKE.
A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the pro- prietor of the English Opera, was an ill-tempered man, but a fortunate one, Charles Westmacott replied, " he knew that to be true, for he was in- debted for both his cash and success to pique" (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.)
PEAKE'S " STOUT MAN"
Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of the season 1825, at the English Opera House: when Arnold observing that the piece did not run ac- cording to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, " How can you expect a stout man to run in such very hot weather?"
CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS.
The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. Parsons into a shop where there was an electric eel, the latter said, " Charles, what sort of a pie would that eel make ?" He answered, " A shock-ing one?
THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES.
Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing a wherry on the Thames, with all the power and skill of a waterman, observed, " Your grace is
124 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
certainly prepared for the worst extremities, for by your skull you could always keep your head above water"
BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN.
Simplicity v. Wit.
A country booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, " For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit.11 The other, filling his glass, said, " My service to you, Mr. Wise-acre /"
DENNIS THE FUNSTER.
Triajuncta in uno.
Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, and was famous for his puns, was once ridiculed for it in a copy. of verses by three gentlemen, whose names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall ; he answered them in the following manner : " If Good be the better half of thy name, it is so little in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in con- junction with thy friend Jofm, thou hast helped to make such a noble copy of verses that they ought to be engraven on stone. I would have given steel the preference, if a certain person did not Mar your works, so shall say no more of the matter."
W. R. V.-ANA.
THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER.
" A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."
[There are very few literary persons in London, at least among those connected with the public press, who have not occasionally enjoyed the pleasant, punning, conversational powers of my friend W. R. V. whose whim,, wit, and great good nature are not more esteemed, than his unaffected manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle him to.]
Some one observed, " Matches are made in Heaven." " Yes," answered he, " and they are very often dipped in the other place."
Two men contending at a tavern upon the point of who wrote that beautiful song on Ingratitude, " Blow, blow, thou wintry wjnd !". one said Ben Jonson ; the other said Shakspeare.. R. V. to ad- just their differences, observed, " They must have written it between them, for each was a-verse to ingratitude."
A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name of the nobleman who was shut up in a tower and starved to death, applied to the punster — " Yau-go- lean- OT was the reply. ••*-•
126 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
" A tailor is the ninth part of a man,'1 observed a would-be-wit, in the presence of a knight of the sheers : " But," answered R. V. " a fool's no part at all."
" He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed an old cynic. " You speak from experience" was the stopper to this vinegar cruet.
Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole tavern, took the Bell Inn at Hammersmith : R. V. hoped that as he had so long answered the bell, the Bell would now answer him.
One asked him what works he had in the press. " Why, the History of the Bank, with notes ; the Art of Cookery, with plates ; and the Science of Single Stick, with wood cuts"
A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when he entered London, put up at Grillon's hotel. " I am surprised at that," said he ; " his father took his chop at HatchetCs?
A barber recommended him his aromatic es- sence for the improvement of his hair. " No, no ; don't waste your fragrance on the desert hair"
A friend remarked of a gentleman with very large curly whiskers, that he said nothing. " Poor fellow ; don't you see he's lock-jawed^
" How well you put on your cravat," said a crony : " that tie 's something new.1' — " Yes ; it's a novel- tie^
EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 127
He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by observing, " I should not like to go up in a balloon with you, for fear of our falling out."
Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work of his from the press to his bookseller, " Dear me !" he exclaimed, " what a weight is off my mind"
" What a swell you are in your new frock coat,11 said a quiz to him one day. " Don't you like it ? — I do : indeed I'm quite Wrapped up in it"
The same person meeting him one day in the city, observing he had on a new waistcoat, asked if it was a city cut. " No,11 answered he, " it's a west-cut."
Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a wine glass : the waiter, in bringing it, inadvertently let it fall — " Zounds ! I did not ask you for a tumbler /"
Sitting in company with one of those people who find fault with every thing, good, bad, or indif- ferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the old fellow. " True, true ; we have nothing new or good now-a-days : Waterloo bridge is a catchpenny t HerschelTs telescope all my eye, the steam engine a bottle of smoke, and the safety-coach a complete take in?
Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learn- ing was pabulum animi, food of the mind. " Yes,11
128 . EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.
replied he, " and that's the reason, I suppose, the collegians wear trencher caps.1'
On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, the wind was so boisterous as to blow off his fo- raging cap, greatly inconveniencing him : a brave officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood near, presented His Majesty with his own, which the King graciously accepted, and wore until he got to his carriage. This drew from him the fol- lowing impromptu :
" Whether in peace or war,
If hostile dangers frown, It is the soldier's care
To guard his Monarch's crown."
He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever work to a certain nobleman, notorious for his stu- pidity. " My book wanted a title" was the reply. " Oh !" he observed, "but it might otherwise have been peer-less?
On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating the affair that deprived him of his rank as General being lost, he lamented it as very hard that they should refuse him even a major-ity.n
Being proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, he asked when they met : — " Every Saturday even- ing during the winter." — " Then," said he, " I shall never make a Phoenix, for I catft rise from iliejire."
NORBURYANA*;
CONTAINING
A RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORB (TRY'S
BEST PUNS, •|jJu« ag UmpctteD. « ,
THE PUNNING LAWYERS. The counsel archly crack their joke On every word the witness spoke ; The Jury, laughing, like the fun, And Norbury sums up with a Pun,
A GOOD Pun has, from time immemorial, been quite as admissible in our courts of law, as a good plea; and not unusually has proved successful with the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely to the more weighty arguments of precedents and rejoinder^ would only have produced a temporary suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon all occasions as clear as his judgments are sound : scarcely a packet of Irish papers arrive in the sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the hu- mourist is after the last good thing of the Chief Justice^ ; and, if he fails to encounter a new pun, he retreats homewards like a city sportsman, without game for the morrow ; for pun-less, he is quite as
* Many of these whims have never before appeared in print.
K
130 NORBURYANA.
miserable as if he was penny-less ; and if he cannot crack a new joke at the club, he is like to go cracked himself with vexation in consequence.
It is one of the evils attending eminence in any art, that many loose performances will be attri- buted to genius, for the sake of notoriety, which would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented individual under whose cognomen they are surrep- titiously launched forth into public life. Every new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether in- vented in the Four Courts of Dublin, or at the midnight orgies held in the broad and narrow Courts of London, at the Fives Court or the Tennis Court, the King^s Court, or the Courts of law and equity, are all heaped upon the great original, Lord Norbury ; who has, in consequence, as many sins of this sort to bear with, as any criminal that ever appeared before his legal tribunal. In selecting from an accredited stock, the compiler of this little book has endeavoured to affix to the Noble Punster, only, the legitimate offspring of his mvn creation ; or at least such, if any one has stolen in, as may not disgrace his witty family.
LORD NORBURY''S MOTTO
Is, "Right can never die;'" then, said his lordship, punning thereon, " right must be left, for ever."
NORBURYANA. 131
AN AMOROUS PUN.
** Who is that lovely girl ?" exclaimed Lord Nor- bury, riding in company with his friend Counsel- lor Grahaarty. " Miss Glass," replied the barrister. "Glass!" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love which man bears to woman, I should often become intoxicated, could I press such & glass to my lipsF
THE JOKER'S RETORT.
The numerous and severe animadversions on Lord Norbury in the Imperial Parliament, only afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supple, mental criticism, viz. " That the English Broom (Brougham) wanted an Irish stick to it ;" an ap- pendage which, in the early part of his Lordship's career, he certainly would have been very ready to
furnish.
•
PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE.
The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the appellation of Bully Egan, from his rough courage, got into the Irish parliament during the admini- stration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and joined with the Whigs of that day in a most out- rageous opposition to the administration of the noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when
K2
132 NORBURYANA.
the opposition succeeded in voting the unlimited regency of Ireland to the Prince of Wales. The Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without beat of drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of the political field. Not content with this retreat, the Whigs continued to pelt the character of the noble Marquis, by way of post obit, and to heap all those maledictions upon his administration, when defunct, which they had so indefatigably done while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in his speech an episode, in which he proposed, " Now that the Marquis was politically dead, to pencil his epitaph ;"" and this he did in such coarse and pon- derous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord Norbury, in his reply, termed this effort of Egan, penciling with a pickaxe.
TIME AND ETEENITY.
On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner who had been convicted of privately stealing a time piece, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the enor- mity of his crime, concluded a very impressive speech by observing, that he had been grasping at time, and caught eternity.
NORBURYANA. 33
THE CANAL AND LOCKS.
Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was pos- sessed of considerable property in a distant part of the country, and in whose welfare he had taken great interest, particularly during the progress of a bill through parliament for draining her lands, he
accosted her, " Ah, my dear Mrs G , how d'ye
do? — how goes on your water ways'l — I must come and take a view of your little canal and locks"
DROPPING THE SUBJECT.
A man having been capitally convicted before Lord Norbury, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against him — " Say !" replied he, " why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better ; so if you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject." " The subject may drop" replied his lordship.
JAM SATIS.
A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie made of raspberry jam, inquired if he would have some more fruit? "Jam satis," replied the punster.
134 NORBURYANA.
THE CRITICS CURTAILED.
" Lord Byron calls his abusers dogs" said a friend to Lord Norbury ; " No doubt he wishes them and their censures cur-tailed" was the reply.
SHAKE-SPEAKE.
Riding one day with a friend of the name of SPEARE, whose horse appeared to jolt him very much, his Lordship could not help observing it. " He is young, and awkward in his paces, but may mend," said Speare. " By the bye, my Lord, I want a name for him." " It must be Shdke-speare, then," retorted his Lordship.
KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS.
Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of Dublin, declined, through prudential motives, from giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast, so offensive to the King James's party. JAMES, the next Lord Mayor, was not so particular, but gave it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who was present, could not help observing, " You are no friend to King, — James"
NORBURYANA. 135
CURLED HAIR.
Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, the mattrass-maker in Sackville Street, Dublin, who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with her on having so long delayed sending home his order : " Sure your Lordship," said the good woman, with great naivete, " there's no curled hair to be had now in Dublin, neither for love nor money" " By the powers above," replied his Lordship, looking amorously, " but it was very plentiful in this city, Mrs. O'Connor, when I was a curly boy"
TRIAL OF A HORSE.
Late on a Saturday evening, as Lord Norbury had concluded charging the jury, after a laborious and long trial, when they retired to make up their verdict, a barrister got. up to make a motion re- specting a horse, that had been returned to a jockey for not being sound. His lordship complained of his being much tired after the business of the day, and begged they would postpone the business till Monday. The lawyer, anxious to push forward the business, said it would only occupy him a few minutes to try it. His Lordship rising, said in his usual dry way : " Gentlemen, to-morrow is a ho- liday ; you will have time and leisure to try the horse yourselves"
NORBURYANA. A DRY WIPE.
Lord Norbury being in company with some lawyers, was asked, had he seen a pamphlet that was written by CTGrady, in which he was reflected on ? replied, " Yes, yes, I took it to the water- t closet with me."" When told who was the author, lie replied, " Ha ! I did not think my friend Grady intended me such a wipe."
HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE.
Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled with a determination of blood to the head. Surgeon Carrol accordingly opened the temporal artery; and whilst attending to the operation, his Lordship said to him, " Carrol, I believe you were never called to the bar ?" " No^ my Lord, I never was,11 . replied the surgeon. — " Well, I am sure, Doctor, I can safely say you have cut a figure in the Temple"
THE GAME JOKE.
On being informed, last autumn, of the elope- ment of Mrs. Moore, whose maiden name was Woodcock, Lord Norbury said, " Then we must look out our fleecy hosiery." — " Why so, my Lord 7" " Because it is an unerring symptom of a sudden, long, and severe winter to see, so early in the season, the Woodcocks Jbrsake the Moors.""
NORBU11YANA.
137
MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED.
Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth riding on horse- back in the Phoenix Park, took occasion to admire the beauty of their horses : " The gift of His Majesty," said her Ladyship artlessly : " and Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present." — " Then I understand," said Lord Norbury, " His Majesty mounts you both"
A SPORTING PUN.
A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lordship some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned «that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before break- fast.— " Thirty-three hares /" exclaimed Lord Nor- bury : " Zounds, Sir ! then you must have been firing at a wig?
THE FEMALE LINGUIST.
A report having reached his Lordship that a female pedant, who was well known as a blue stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he observed, " He could answer for her disposition to conjugate, but feared she would have no oppor- tunity of declining?
138 NORBURYANA.
HOPE AND JOY.
At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an eminent attorney, being employed as agent in a certain cause, apologized to the court for the ab- sence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it would delay for a few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who was engaged in another court, would return. Some time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the bar, saying, " Gentlemen, I think we had better proceed with the business of the day — although
' Hope told a flattering tale, That Joy would soon return.' "
A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD.
A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, in a manner not pleasing to him, turned to an ac- quaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that he did not come there to be queered by the old one. Lord Norbury heard him, and instantly replied in his own cantt " Tin old, 'tis true, and I'm rum some- times— and for once Til be queer, and send you to quod?
NORBURYANA. 139
A LATE DINNER.
Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, when Mr. Toler. His dinner hours were late, which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler was going to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran walking towards his house, said, " Do not forget, Curran, you dine with me to-day." " I rather fear, my friend,1' replied Mr. Curran, " it will be so long first, that you may forget it."
CUT AND COME AGAIN.
In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was plaintiff, and Mr. Allpress of Abbey-street, de- fendant, before Lord Norbury and a special jury, Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one or two more very fat barristers were employed for the defendant. The opposite bar were remarkably thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Penny- father, &c. Mr. Johnson, in defending his client from paying a penal rent, in the heat of argument said, " My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the opposite party stand forth like Shylock in the play, with their knife outstretched to cut from us the very pound of flesh ! " Lord Norbury very tritely interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, " Mr. Johnson, the opposite bar perhaps conceive you can spare it better."
140 NORBURYANA.
A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED.
When it was told to Lord Norbury, that sentence of transportation to Botany Bay was passed upon the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been detected in clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry - room table, after the collection for the Charity Schools of St. Michael's Church, in November 1819, he jocosely replied, " that he thought it very hard, as it was no uncommon thing to have note takers at all such public meetings."
, CLOSE SHAVING.
The Persian Ambassador having, among other public places, visited the Irish Courts of Justice, in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business was suspended for a short time, to view so extraor- dinary a personage, he being fully dressed in the eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had retired, one of. the Judges asked Lord Norbury what he thought of him, his Lordship wittily replied, " he might be a very clever mem, but he was certain he was not a close shaver."
THE RACKET COURT.
The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so decorous and attentive as they should be. During
NORBURYANA. 141
the examination of a witness, Lord Norbury had occasion once or twice to request silence ; when the man, in a reply to a question from his lordship re- lative to his occupation, answered that " he kept a racket court" " Indeed," said the judge, and looking archly at the bar, continued, " and I am very sorry to say that I am Chief Justice of a racket court much too often."
POT LUCK.
A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very irritable, had a party of vocal and instrumental friends on a particular evening in every week at his own house ; when some wags, more desirous of pro- moting discord than harmony, used to assemble un- der his windows, making the most hideous noises, or in the Irish phraseology, " giving him ashaloof upon which the amateur dislodged the contents of a certain chamber utensil upon the heads of some passers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. For this assault an action was brought and tried before Lord Norbury, who, in summing up the case to the jury, good humouredly observed, " that the plaintiffs must be considered in the light of unin- vited guests, and it could not be denied that they had been treated by the defendant with pot-luck."
In a humorous trial between the rival managers,
142 NORBURYANA.
Messrs. Daly and Astley, respecting the right of the latter to perform the farce of " My Grand- mother," at the Peter-street theatre, Dublin, Daly's counsel stated, that the penalties recoverable from the defendant, for his infringement of the rights of the patent theatre, would all be given to that excellent charity the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. Toler, in reply, observed, " That it was notorious, no man in Dublin had contributed more largely, in one way, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly ; and it was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this action, that he should send them the cash. But," continued the facetious counsel, " although Mr. Daly's attachment to good pieces is proverbial, we do not choose that he shall monopolize all the good pieces in Dublin, from ' My Grandmother1 down to * Miss in her Teens' "
LORD NORBURY'S EPITAPH.
SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF
He's dead ! alas, facetious punster, Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir : From heaven's high court, a tipstaff"1 s sent, To call him to his jtmn-ishment : — Stand to your ropes ! ye sextons, ring ! Let all your clappers ding, dong, ding ! NOR-BURY him without his due, He was himself a TOLER * too !
* The Learned Judge's name.
PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
THE SPORTING PUNSTERS.
Two merry wags, of Cockney land,
Well known at Rhodes's, in the Strand,
Where tavern wits choice puns let fly,
Resolved their dogs and guns to try.
Dress'd cap-a-pee, in sporting suit,
With jacket, belt, and net to boot,
Away they trudge to Hampstead Rise,
To take the pheasants by surprise.
And what will strange appear, though true,
A poor stray'd cock-bird came in view,
Uprising 'tween the punning elves,
Who miss'd the bird, but shot themselves.
Condoling on their hapless gunning,
They yet could not desist from punning :
" Ne'er mind, TOM, peasants each we've hit."
" Why leave the aitc/t, NED, out of it ?"
" Because," quoth NED, " I'd fain forget
The aitch that frets my body yet"
" Still pop for pop," quoth TOM again.
Says NED, " I feel a shooting pain ;
But then I've heard, those who aspire
To be good sportsmen must stand fire."
" Agreed," cries TOM, " and in my head
'Tis now engraved in molten kad."
By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
ON SIR. THOMAS MORE, LORD CHANCELLOR OF ENGLAND.
When More had few years Chancellor been,
No more suits did remain ; The like shall never more be seen,.
Till More be there again !
144 PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
R. B. SHERIDAN'S EPIGRAM ON PITT. The nation is pawrid ! we shall find to our cost, And the minister since has the duplicate lost. We shall all be undone by the politic schemer, Who, though " Heav'n-born *," will not prove a Redeemer.
ON " RECOLLECTIONS OF LORD BYRON, BY THE LATE R. C. DALLAS, EDITED BY HIS SON."
A mighty DULL ASS is old prosing DALLAS, And quite as dull and prosing is his Son —
What ! fifteen shillings for the book ! Alas ! No pleasant " Recollection" 1 am done.
DEAN SWIFT'S BARBER.
Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public house. " And what's your sign ?" said the Dean. " Oh, the pole and bason ; and if your worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The Dean took out his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long graced the barber's sign : Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here, Where nought excels the shaving but the beer"
* In the ministerial prints Mr. Pitt was usually so de- signated.
PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 145
G. COLMAN TO MISS M. TREE,
Impromptu, on Miss M. Trees intended marriage and retirement from the. stage.
You bloom and charm us ! — still the bosom grieves, When Trees of your description take their leaves.
TO CAPTAIN PARRY, THE POLAR NAVIGATOR, On his giving a Fete on board the Hecla.
Dear Captain Parry, you are right To give the belles a levee ;
God grant your dancing may be light, For oh ! your book is heavy.
. - ' ' 'I . !. (
SAM ROGERS TO CHARLES LAMB.
Ella's Pen. Says Elia, "Zounds, this pen is hard !"
Quoth Samuel Rogers, " Do not huff, But write away, my honey bard,
You soon can make it soft enough."
tWOiiOJ
FRI V. DAY.
Good Friday rain'd, Sam Rogers dined On soles, for fish were all the go ; And Sam allowed the Fri was good, Although the day was but so so.
L
146 PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
TO THE LATE MR. COUTT8.
Written at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke of Gordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by the Marquis of Huntley.
An apple, we know, caused old Adam's disgrace, Who from Paradise quickly was driven ;
But yours, my dear Tom, is a happier case, For a Melon transports you to heaven.
TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOW.
Her mourning is all make-believe ;
'Tis plain there's nothing in it ; With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve,
The while she's laughing in it.
IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE, ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE.
'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain ;
For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne.
TO C. J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGE;
God's noblest work's an honest man,
Says Pope's instructive line ; To make an honest woman, then,
Most surely is divine.
PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 147
TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORY.
You move the people, when you speak, For one by one, away they sneak.
COWPER S HOMER.
Any-mad-versions when like this I see, Animadversions they will draw from me.
TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDAR.
JVikh his Lordship's night-cap, that caught fire on the Poet's head, as he was reading in bed at Merton.
Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire, For I wish not to keep it a minute ;
What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire, Is sure to be instantly in it.
ON THE COUNTESS OF B , WHO WAS RUINED AT
THE GAMING TABLE.
Card-table epitaph.
Clarinda reign'd the queen of hearts, Like sparkling diamonds were her eyes ;
Till by the knave of clubs'1 false arts, Here bedded by a spade she lies.
L2
148 PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
ADAM AND MACADAM.
" The Macadamized streets are extremely dusty."' —
Morning Paper.
Adam was made of borrowed dust ;
So says the Bible ; and, 'tis plain, Macadam, to discharge the trust,
To dust turns all the ways of men.
THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIAN.
A hint to clever men employed on such occasions. " Poor Peter Pike is drowned, and neighbours say The jury mean to sit on him to day.11 " Know'st thou for what ?" said Tom. — Quoth
Ned, " no doubt 'Tis merely done to squeeze the water out?
BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX.
Royal Pun-Dit. Come, lament, all ye Rogers, of punning renown,
Whose praises are sung by the * Puss sex, For the pun of all puns that enraptures the town
Is the last by his big Grace of Sus-sex.
* Puss, a domestic animal — allegorically a mature spinster -a tabhy. — JOHNSON.
PUNNING EPIGRAMS. J49
In dispensing last week the Dispensary toasts, And telling the names of its Patrons,
He stumbled on two, of whom Watling Street
boasts, No matter if spinsters or matrons.
First came Mrs. Church, and then came Mrs. Bliss : Said his Grace " Were such joys ever given !
We enter the first — for the way we can't miss : We enter the second — 'tis Heaven r
r*!» •niiKJH^r.tj bfu frii i'»i»i>i. > v > -; Jj ' :iT
TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF " BRUTUS."
Your prose and verse alike are bad,
Methinks you both transpose ; Your prose e'en like your verse runs mad,
And all your verse is prose.
DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSER.
The following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Com- poser, for his Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert, by his friend Peter Pindar.
Son of the string, (I do not mean Jack Ketch, Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones,}
Oh ! yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
And for to-morrow's treat, pray send thy bones !
150 PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
BY LORD BYRON,
On Southeys house being on fire* Pierios vatis Theodori flamma Penates,
Abstulit : hoc Musis, hoc tibi, Phoebe, placet ? O scelus, 6 magnum facinus, crimenque deorum, Non arsit pariter quod domus et dominus.
Martial, Lib. xi. Epig. 94.
The Laureate's house hath been on fire ! the Nine All smiling saw that pleasant bonfire shine : But, cruel fate ! Oh damnable disaster ! The house — the house is burnt, and not the master !
GEORGE TIERNEY, M. P.
The Inclosure Bill. If 'tis a crime in man or woman, A goose to pilfer from a common ; What can a parliament excuse,
To steal a common from a goose ?
f
ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE,
A lady remarkably short in stature. Thrice happy Tom — I think him so ;
For mark the poet's song, — " Man wants but little here below,
Nor wants that little long"
PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 151
ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORS.
His time was quick, his touch was fleet,
Our gold he nimbly finger d± ; Alike alert with hands and feet,
His movements have not lingered.
Where lies the wonder of the case ?
A moment's thought detects it ; His practice has been thorough-bass,
A chord will be his exit.
SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOM.
A father and son much addicted to drink,
Sat each quaffing his grog with high glee ; Said the parent, " Why, Tom, thou dost drink
mighty deep, Though you'll say that you take after me."
" No, father," cried Tom, " I will never say so,
Nor do so, I hope, by St. Paul ; ' For, 'tis certain, that if I did take after you,
I should drink scarcely any at allT
BY LORD HARBOROUGH.
If Lovers aflame, as ancient poets prove, Ah, me ! how cold 's thejire of my Love.
152 PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
ON A PAINTED FAIR.
Ye ladies who paint, may most safely declare, With Horace, that dust and a shadow ye are.
CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM. An epigram, what is it, honey ? A little poem, short and funny ; About four lines in length,^not more : Then this is one, for here are four.
ON A MISER NAMED MORE.
Iron was his chest,
Iron was his door ; His hand was iron,
And his heart was More.
ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE.
Written during the O. P. contest. Actor and Architect, he tries
To please the critics, one and all ; This bids the private tiers to rise, And that the public tears to fall.
MAIDS AND BACHELORS.
Old maids, in hell, 'tis said, lead apes ; It may be true — but, tarry — They're bachelors that fill those shapes Because they did not marry.
PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 153
ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN ARM IN ARM.
How D. I>. swaggers, M. D. rolls !
I dub them both a race of noddies : Old D. D. has the cure of souls,
And M. D. has the care of bodies. Between them both, what treatment rare
Our souls and bodies must endure ! One has the cure without the care,
And one the care without the cure.
ONE LAWYER MORE.
" Pray does one MORE, a lawyer, live hard by ?" " I do not know of one" was the reply ; " But if one less were living, I am sure, Mankind his absence safely might endure."
PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC.
In critics this country is rich ;
In friendship and love who can match 'em : When writers are plagued with the itch,
They hasten most kindly to scratch 'em.
154 PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE INNS OF COUKT.
The Society of Clement's Inn having had iron bars put up at the entrance to prevent porters, cattle, or other nuisances from coming in, — it called forth the following lines from a "fat single gentleman" to the principal and ancients.
Ye principal and ancient men, attend To one of your unfortunate fat lodgers,
Whose studies make him lusty; — oh ! befriend ! Or I shall surely call you ancient codgers.
'Tis true I came here, looking to the bar, And hop'd to have a call some day unto it ;
But at your entrance now there many are, Indeed so many, that I can't get thro' it.
" / can't get out" as Sterne's poor starling said, Unless I ask the porter to unlock it ;
This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed,
Or 'gainst my corpus you must strike a docket.
This may reduce me to a decent size,
And let me pass your cursed bars of iron ;
PUNNING EPIGltAMS. 155
Put up to keep us from the London cries, Which now your sanctum sanctorum environ.
For if I can't be taken in, 'tis clear
I cannot be let out; and that gives trouble.
Ye principal and ancient men, oh ! hear !
And let me pass the bar — I'm DAVID DOUBLE.
ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY. That Homer should a bankrupt be Is not so very Odd-d'ye-see ,• If it be true, as I am instructed, So Ill-he-had his books conducted.
WALKING FOR LIFE.
On a Gentleman bringing on a severe Jit of illness, by an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his health.
Prithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus
your breath ;
'Tis in vain these exertions you make : And to " walk for your life" against sure-footed
death, Is the very " worst step you can take /"
156 EUNNING EPIGRAMS.
A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW.
On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which toere used as nine cellars :
There's a spirit above and a spirit below,
A spirit of Joy and a spirit of woe: The spirit above is a spirit divine;
The spirit below is a spirit of wine.
THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH.
Two musical parties to Bladud belong, To delight the old rooms and the upper :
One gives to the ladies a supper, no song; The other a song and no supper.
ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER.
Though nature thee of thy right hand bereft, Right well thou writest with the hand that's left.
PRINTER'S KISS. Print on my lips another kiss,
The picture of thy glowing passion — Nay, this wont do — nor this — nor this —
But How — Ay, that's a proof impression.
PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 157
TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTER.
Though much you're scar'd by Mars in arms,
Atjighting much dejected ; Yet Venus, with her naked charms,
Has seen you — MoRE-affected.
THE FOUR AGES OF WOMAN. From the French.
Woman is In infancy a tender flower,
Cultivate her ; A floating bark in girlhood's hour,
Softly freight her. A fruitful vine when grown a lass,
Prune and please her ; Old, she's a heavy charge, alas !
Support and ease her.
THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENER.
On a Lady Jar advanced in years, who was a great Card-player, having married her Gardener.
Trumps ever rul'd the charming maid, Sure all the world must pardon her ;
The destinies turned up a spade ; She married John the gardener.
158 PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLE.
The Lamb and the Horse being their Insignia.
The Lamb, the lawyer's innocence declares ;
The Horse, their expedition in affairs ;
Hail, happy men ! such emblems well describe
The specious cunning of your legal tribe :
For say what client can expect a loss
From Lamb-like lawyers, fleeter than a Horse ?
No more let Chancery's ills be endless counted,
Since on the Pegasus of Law ye're mounted.
And ye, poor suitors ! mark your simple fate —
The shorn lambs ye — that crowd the Temple gate.
ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON.
'* Some demon, sure," says wond'ring Ned, " In Newton's brain has fix'd his station ! "
" True," Dick replies, " you've rightly said, I know his name,- — 'tis demon-stration?
TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINES.
Ladies ! the stags (as wise men say) Change horns but once a-year :
Whereas your stags change ev'ry day, As plainly does appear.
PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 159
ON GRIEVES'S BRUSH.
Some men brush on, and some brush off,
And some brush out of sight ! While Grieves's * brush makes thousands rush
To see it every night.
ON THE HYDE PAHK ACHILLES.
If on this pedestal we see
Our great Achilles and Protector,
Why then the inference must be,
He whom he vanquished was a Hector.
EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V.
On reading- that Madame Fodor had endangered her life by drinking vinegar to reduce her shape.
Against Fodor^s existence, it may truly be said, That custom has raised an unnatural strife ;
For if she gets fat — she loses her bread ; And if she gets thin— she loses her life.
* The eminent talents of this distinguished artist have been for a series of years displayed in the beautiful scenery produced at Covent Garden Theatre.
160 PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent -Garden Theatre, on thejirst night of the appearance of Miss Dance.
Piozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first,
But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant
trance, And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is
just,
Where Melpomene's self comes to welcome the Dance.
On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely played by Miss Tree.
Where's Ariel? that is, where is Tree?
Whose voice and form so truly suit in't ; Surely the public must agree,
The Manager has put his Foot in't.
On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and on the next throwing out a Toll for passing Black- friars Bridge.
England's friendly to all, let folks say what they
will,
From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover ; Her Commons first passed the Catholic Bill, And the very next day vote for the Pass over.
PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 161
On reading thut Captain Parry embarked on board the " Fury" Discovery Ship early in Passion Week.
Parry's rage for discovery exceeds all, no doubt, For both captain and crew in a Fury set out ; But still some excuse will appear for this freak, When we learn the affair took place in Passion week.
On reading in the Paper a supposition that Skakspeare was lame.
That Shakspeare was lame, from his sonnets you'd
But halt ere such men with weakness you're brand-
ing;
An abler hand never guided a pen, And his works plainly show he'd a strong under-
standing.
ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE ;
The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and' not as heretofore George IV. with a laurel wreath.
Pistrucci, in thine art divine,
Thou never wast more clever ; Long may the laurel mark our Sovereign's line,
But may the /. V. never !
1C
162 PUNNING EPIGRAMS.
IMPROMPTU
On Captain Fitz-Clarence' s life being preserved by the interposition of Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the Conspirators in Cato Street.
When war destruction on the soldier deals, Some seek from death a refuge in their heels ; E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife, We find indebted to his Legge for life !
MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT.
Jack from his box surveys the house around, Views in the pit a friend with glass erect, Whose rusty coat with many a gaping wound First draws the cut oblique, and then the cut direct.
" How now," cries Will ! (whilst all around him
heard), " Cut an old friend ! why, Jack, what are you
after?
Oh, oh, the coat ! 'pon honor that's absurd ; Charles is so droll, IVe cracked my sides with
laughter"
PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 163
TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL.
That U follows Q Is not always true ; When your pigtail I view, Then queue follows you.
ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING THE LATE RAINS.
When British flags triumphant scour'd the main, Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain ; But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags. Oh that the main would scour the British flags !
,, „
TO THE AUTHOR OF " PEN OWEN. rf . j , i • j
If wit and elegance combined, With harmless satire glowing, Can gain applause, or charm the mind, It is to your Pen-owing.
ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART. When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose ; With a " Deluge" of music the house overflows ; His (Boxer) Bochsa beats time, who's forced to
impart
Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's Smart.
if 9
164 PUNNING EPIGRAMS;
A SNEER ANSWERED.
" Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill, " Give me a bon mot if you will." " A what ? a bon mot ! how absurd ! Whoever gave you a good word."
A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ox HIS DOG.
Here lies, who living never lied, A friend sincere, of courage tried; No slave to wealth, to vice unknown, Though oft reduced to pick a bone. Patched was his coat, both red and white, And shaggy too his outwarti plight ; Yet grateful still his master serv'd, And from allegiance never swerved. A sportsman true, who at a word Would point, and oft bring down his bird : Or fetch, or carry, hunt, orjind, Whatever was of the feather'd kind. " By no disease — no blast he fell, " But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well, " Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time, " As clock that can no longer chime :" Here CARLO stopp'd — for want of breath, Outrun at last by Nimrod death.
BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
PUNSTER'S COURT;
OR,
THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN.
VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT.
For Illustration, see Vignette to Title.
GREAT PLATO and HOMER, and half a score sages,
Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages,
Have all of them prov'cl, if their writings you'll seek,
That Puns were esteem'd both by Hebrew and Greek :
Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun,
And their merriment owed to the mirth-making Pun.
There's BUXTORF, a learned Chaldean, hath told,
That Ptolemaeus Philo-punnaeus, of old,
Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city,
To propagate punning and make the folks witty :
And so well did the priests with the people succeed,
That their Puns were collected, and thus 'twas decreed ;
" In a temple devoted to punning and wit,
" In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ;
" ' The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'" —
Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole.
Here JANUS contended with PAN for the throne,
When his double-faced godship unrivalled shone ;
For no matter how wittily PAN punn'd away,
JANUS turn'd round his head from the " grave to the gay,"
Till the audience, rill'd with amazement and wonder,
Decided for JANUS'S double entendre.
BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;
OB*
JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR.
" Touch but his gunpowder wit with a merry fire, and you shall instantly hear a good report."
" A punster's wit, what is it like ?" " The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en ;"
" Or gunpowder/' says merry Mike, " Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."
PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON.
Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a third came in to size, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself al- ternately to his visitors, said
" If I bate you an ace,
Deuce take me ;
for it would be-tfro?/ a weakness
in a man who could not cater for himself.
Therefore sink me
if you do size.""
A NEGATIVE PUN.
" I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large landed property !" " And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless.""
PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS, &C. 167
A PUN. THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER.
In the Latin version of the Bible there is the fol- lowing passage : — Tu es PETRUS, et super hanc pe~ tram cedificabo meam ecclesiam. The French, in rendering these words into their own tongue, con- vert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of — Tu es PIERRE, et sur cette pierrej^edlfierai mon eglise!!!
A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN.
An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to whose " loud sounds'" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word " man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. " Man- milliner !" said the gentleman, " I am none, but you're the vilest tambour-worker I ever met with."
A BACKSLIDER'S PUN.
A gentleman asked another if he would have a skait on the Serpentine ; — " Most certainly ; but I can't trust to my soles and heels : besides, I should lose my character." — " Lose your character !" — " Aye, I should become a back-slider.™ — " Oh," answered his friend, " come along; you'll do, if you commence on fundamental principles."
168 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS
AN HERALDIC PUN.
A gentleman employing a porter whose name was liussel, asked him jocularly, " Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's ?" " Our arms (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty much alike ; but there is a confounded dif- ference in our coats.'1''
A CANONICAL PUN.
A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since ; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he
said—" So, Canon H is dead !" — " Indeed !"
replied the other, " I was not aware that cannons went o^in that way." — " Yes, they do," rejoined the first, " for I have just heard the report /"
. AN APOTHECARY'S PUN. " Does your husband expectorate?" said an
apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband — " Expect to ate, yer honour — no sure, and Paddy does not expect to ate — he ""s nothing at all to ate !" The humane man sent a large basin of mixture from a tureen of
soup then smoking on his table.
•
A BITTER PUX.
An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot " Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a bitter cold day?
AND PURPOSES. 169
A SMUGGLER'S PUN.
When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many Alexanders, " Rather say," said another, " that they appear more like Seizers" (Caesars.)
COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN.
Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of' grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, " f see you are a Grecian" — " Pooh !" said the other, " that's far-fetched "— " No, indeed," says the punster, " I made it on the spot.""
A CUANIOLOGICAL PUN.
A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their several professions; says the Skullist, " What we cannot get into their noddles, we get out of them." — " Yes," says the physiognomist, " God help the heads saddled with such a theory ! for whilst one galls, toother spiers 'em?
A CITY PUN. otiiiuiurl ."!t
A wag, upon seeing the name of " Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of deaths, observed, " Ah ! poor fellow ! his day-book's closed, and he 's posted, I suppose, to his long ac- count"— " By no means improbable," said another, " seeing he was engaged in book-keeping all his life !"
170 PUNS FOR ALL PEHSONS
A PHYSICAL PUN.
A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated physician — " Oh,;' replies he, " I have called several times, but he 's always out." " Why then," observes his friend, " try another." " Who ?" " Who .' why Sir Ever-hard-Home"
A COLLEGE PUN.
A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics, for the best " Carmen" to cele- brate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better carmen in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been " keeping it up" for the last fortnight.
A LADY'S PUN.
A very agreeable lady of the name of Riggs, being one season at Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one gentleman to attend the whole ; when one regretting that they had not more of the male creation, she replied, " If we complain of not being well manned* I am sure we are well rigged."
A COBBLER'S PUN.
A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the bullet wound was; " Och, (said the fellow from .the sister country) it's been healed lately.'1
AND PURPOSES. 171
A JUDICIAL PUN.
One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his kinsman. " Well (re- plied the learned judge), no hog can become bacon till he is hanged, and then I'll allow your claim.1'
A BACCHANALIAN PUN.
A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he 'came ? He said, " I have been spinning' out the evening with my neighbour Freeport." — " And now (replied the other), you are reeling it home/'
A GERMAN PUN.
A young man of the name of Caesar having mar- ried a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, " Cave, Caesar, ne tua Roma fiat respub-
A WHISTLING PUN.
A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father, who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely re- frain from a pun with which he was big. The pre- sence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling, " Through the wood, laddie."
172 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS
A MANAGER'S PUN.
A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the author observed that it was all owing to the war. " No (said the manager) I fear it is owing to the piece"
THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN.
A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a. glass. He said it was the French custom to bring wine in a measure. The waiter answered, " Sir, we wish for no French measures here."
A CLERICAL PUN.
A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by " He, was clothed with curses as with a garment.'1'' — " My good friend (said the minister), it means that he had got a habit of swearing"
A SELFISH PUN.
A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster- shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and selfish. "And why (said he), would you not have me seU-fishT'
A GAMBLING PUN.
At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself vis-a-vis at atabled'ecarte, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away some days before. " This time at least," said M.
AND PURPOSES. 173
de S. to whom the circumstance was related, " this time, at least, he knew whom he had to deal with !"
A STAYMAKER'S PUN.
A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his miserable complaint : " Shame that I should be without bread ; I that have stayed the stomachs of thousands !""
CLERICAL PUNS.
At a church in Ireland, where there was a po- pular call for a minister, as it is termed, two can- didates offered to preach, whose names were Adam and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text, " Adam^ where art thou ?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the con- gregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon these words, " Lo ! here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him the appointment.
HORNE TOOKE1 S PEDIGREE.
Home Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded by saying, " his irritable friend looked as red with vexation as a Turkey Cock" The other, thinking to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed " that he dared to sav Mr. Tooke
174 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS
had quite forgotten who his father was ?" " Oh ! no indeed, I have not," said Tooke, " he was a Turkey Merchant, (i. e. a Poulterer.)""
A JOE MUNDEN.
It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs. Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for Byam-House, Munden exclaimed, " My wigs and eyes ! five thousand pounds to buy- a-mouse! What the devil will the woman do next ?"
PARISIAN PUNS.
1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in order to save his life, he gave up his possessions ; on which the wits of Paris made this pun — " 77 donnoit Sedan (ses dents) pour sauver sa tete."
2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to display her
AND PURPOSES. 175
figure to advantage ; but unluckily one of her feet peeped out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal, exclaimed, " O le vilain Pic-de-stal r
3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to the Ottoman Porte, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of Paris to observe, that he was still " ambassadeur a la Porte"
COMMERCIAL PUNS.
FROM " TRAVELLER'S HALL," " English Spy"
" I don't see the bee's wing in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are bouncing about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. " No, sir," said the humourist, " it is not to be seen until you are a deal higher in spirits; the film of the 'wing is seldom discernible in such mahogany- coloured wine as this." " Sir, I blush like rose- wood at your impertinence." " Ay, sir, and you '11 soon be as red as logwood, or as black as ebony, if you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. " There is no being cross-grained with you," said
176 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS
the timber-merchant. " Not unless you cut me," retorted Blackstrap, " and you are not sap enough for that." " Gentlemen," continued the facetious wine-merchant, " if we do not get a little fruit, I shall think we have not met with our dessert- and although there be some among us whose principals are worth a, plum, there are very few of their repre- sentatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my reasons.'"
A COCKNEY & PUN.
,
A Londoner told his frienfl that he was going to Margate for a change of 7*air ; " You had better," said the other, " go to the wig-maker's shop?
AN IRISH PUN. The two T ay men.
About the time of the issue of the new crown- pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the " fragrant lymph." An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of " good mixed," thought, what much more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than patriots; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour the
AND PURPOSES. 177
,. -
meaning round the edge of the coin of " Decus et Tutamen," said she, " By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are the Two Taymen^
A SPORTING PUN.
Managing the Pack.
A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of dealer at a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews' s Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, observed, " that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he still managed the pack" " BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE
BANKERS.
" In the city, while Currie was Raiking to- gether his cash, Sir Jolm Lubbock Fostered his Clarices; Sir William Kay knew his Price ; Rogers felt Toogood to smash ; one house in Fleet-street Praed to get through it ; and while another chuckled like a Child, the Goslings were looking Sharp after their concerns — poor Hodsoll" added the dunce, " was obliged to give up his Stirling capital} but Stevenson knew his partner was worth his Salt ; Dorien, Magens, and Dorien, got Mello with re- joicing, and Jansen was never near being ( done
N
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Brown;1 Paxton and Cockerell, according to culi- nary custom, sent their Trail to take care of the long-bills ; and though Fry might have been in a Stew for a time, he (like the Smiths of Mansion House-street) soon had his Payne removed.
"At the west end of the town, though Scott Claude up his money at the moment, he soon began to pay again ; Kinnaird said he could Ransom his credit whenever he chose ; while the other house in Pall- mall declared they had More-land than would settle the claims of all their creditors ; and although Mar- ten expected a Call on Arnold, they were equally steady with the house of Cocks (^suet-Ridges) at Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability ; every body knows, said the wag, that Green-wood never breaks, and as for Thomas's in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there, all was Wright.''''
A HARROW PUN.
Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of healing the breech.
A SOLDIER'S PUN.
The peculiar new mode of 'drilling the soldiers in St, James's Park, ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed quadrilling.
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A PROFESSIONAL PUN.
Speaking of professions, there must be somebody in every way. 'c Ay," replied Taylor the flute player, " and there is a great number of folks in one another's way."
A MUSICAL PUN.
To make a competent double bass player, it re- quires a head-piece, while a wind instrument per- former wants only a mouth-piece (I. e. a reed).
A BREAD AND MEAT PUN.
A needy adventurer coming to London, who was very thin, observed to S. Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a little bread among the musical profession ; to which the joker replied, " If you can pick up a little Jlesh at the same time, it will not be amiss."
A PUN UPON MY HONOR !
A person who was addicted to " pledge his honor' upon all occasions, observed, on looking through the window, " It rains, upon my honor" " Yes," said Taylor, " and it will rain upon MY honor if I go out."
CLASSICAL PUN.
" Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, " why an acre of land bought on a stipulation to
180 FUNS FOR ALL PERSONS
pay the purchase-money a year hence, resembles an ancient lyric song ? Because it is An-acre-on-tick,
A WARM PUN.
" You are never witty," said a friend, " until you are well warmed with wine" " That may be," re- plied the punster : " but it is no reason, good sir, that I am to be well-roasted?
THE. EXCISE-OFFICE V. THE STAMP-OFFICE.
Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre
. y (and who also belonged to the Excise Office)
'happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing out of time. Shaw, the leader, began to stamp violently, and said, " Why don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office ?" Upon which Foster replied, " None of your jeers to members of the Exc'se Office: you seem to be a member of the Stamp Office yourself."
HARPING UPON A FIGURE.
A professional harpist (who was a very incom- petent performer), one night at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas the cutting of it. Foster immediately ex- claimed, " Sir, if I played upon the harp, I would endeavour to cut a figure myself."
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029391 j'JOIJ'lll IK^'f. i. V9HOfn-9a&ffotUU 3 fit- /»'.U . A PUNSTER S REQUISITES FOR AN M. P.
" To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, " a man must have the ribs of a rhinoceros ; to obtain a good place in the body of the house, the qualities of a cornelian ; to secure a seat on the treasury bench, he must not fear to tread-a-wry. Opposition he must write thus — ' oppo'-site — position ; ministerial, men-ivho-steer-well. Private bills he may quote as examples of private punishment ; the speaker's dinners, a speechless banquet, where every guest leaves politics for polite-tricks. To speak well and long, you must display artificial feelings, have leathern lungs, a face of brass, an elephant's saga- city, and a lions courage ; and, with all these quali- fications, you may perchance be considered bear- able ; without them you are certain to come in for
a scrape*.
A PUNSTERS APHORISMS.
If you mean to be a domestic animal, never marry
•^flt /jrT(,<;: ^'ii.;'^ < . '-ill L
a woman of a wild disposition. An ugly helpmate, though she may have the wealth of Plutus, and the
virtues of an angeL can never be considered as a blui " .,£»raiaJa
* Alluding to the practice of the members scraping their feet upon the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome.
182 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS, &C.
lovely wife. If you would live happily, always whistle when your wife whines or scolds. If she should grow furious, take yourself into the cool air, without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes himself to a storm is sure to get pelted. Never offend the ears of a modest woman by a coarse or indelicate expression : \hefairest mirror is stained by a passing breath. Never marry a woman for money, lest, obtaining the honey, you are stung by the queen bee. Never lose an opportunity for making a good pun, when you can do it consistent with good nature, and without endangering the esteem of good friends. A pun, to pass current, should bear the stamp of wit, and be struck off in the mint of originality. A genuine bad pun is not always a bad joke. Late hours make lazy servants, a loquacious wife, and end in making a long purse light, a long illness heavy, and long life very un- certain.
BEKNAUD BLACKMANTLE.
TARTANl's DREAM — A TAIL PIECE.
BLACKMANTLE'S labours here, are done, Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel ;
Approve each epigram and pun, And BERNARB proves a merry devil.
A
PUNNING ESSAY
ON THE
ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE,
BY
THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK *;'
Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Manuscripts, discovered at St. Patrick's Abbey.
A FRAGMENT.
WE observe in Homer's Batruchomyomachia, that the instant the frog Calaminthius sees the mouse Pterno- glt/phus, he is so frightened that he abandons his shield and jumps into the lake : and this confirms our etymo- logy of